


Nobody but You

by heonniebread



Series: Boyfriends [5]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Genderqueer Character, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mild Blood, Romance, Slice of Life, Smut, gender discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:28:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29279226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heonniebread/pseuds/heonniebread
Summary: Kihyun and Changkyun balance like a scale; when one tips too much, the other has to carry more weight and bring them back. It’s not always even, and that’s okay.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Series: Boyfriends [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1937542
Comments: 9
Kudos: 98





	Nobody but You

**Author's Note:**

> minor updates:  
> i went back to made two minor changes to 2 past chapters to help support a change i’ve made to wonho’s character. You don’t have to go back and reread chapters for the update here it is: He’s trans!  
> i dunno why i was always like ‘hoseok is wonho’s real name so imma use that’ when??? As far as i know wonho is the name he wants to go by irl? Correct me if im wrong? So going forward wonho is wonho and eventually i will go back and make that minor fix in past chapters. 
> 
>   
> ⚠️ ⚠️ TW // mentions of drowning, panic attacks, mentions of past self harm, discussions of mental health, depressive episode

At two, Kihyun thinks it’s three.

The clock ticks, ticks, _ticks_.

 _Ticks, ticks_. Kihyun gets up to make a coffee, checks his phone, gets back to work.

At two-eleven, Kihyun _prays_ it’s three.

This day could not drag any worse. It’s the Friday before a three day weekend and Kihyun has paperwork. His signature doesn’t look like his signature anymore, what is he even signing? He doesn’t know. It doesn’t matter, it’s a stack handed from his manager. He trusts Terry. The dude’s weird, but he’s honest. Probably the best manager Kihyun’s ever had. Getting a new job was the best idea he’s had yet. Fuck the university.

At two-fifty, his phone goes off. He blinks blurrily at the paperwork and answers Ali’s call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Kihyunnie,” Ali sounds like she has bad news. Kihyun stares down at the paperwork and the words swim. “Changkyun’s at the hospital, he was in a car accident. He’s —”

Kihyun’s chest hollows, nausea drowning him out. “Chan—” The world comes back in a whoosh, “He’s okay?”

“It’s not too bad, he’s okay, he’s awake. Just X-Rays, a few stitches. I don’t mean to worry you, but...”

When Kihyun was eight, he jumped into the deep end of the pool. His father went after him, but for a few seconds Kihyun was underwater, pool water in his mouth, up his nose, drowning. Kihyun remembers the shock, the darkness, the panic and the way he screamed afterwards, hacking up water and clinging to both his parents at the same time. The moment lasted only seconds, but his chest hurt and his stomach felt full of water for hours, but he had nightmares for weeks.

The moment lasted only seconds, but now, twenty-two years later, he’s launched back into that fear all over again.

“I’m on my way.”

“I’ll text you the room number.”

Kihyun almost flies past his manager’s office, but when he goes to speak his eyes well up with tears and Terry appropriately freaks out, tells Kihyun it’s totally fine for him to leave early, and Kihyun rushes through the lab, his Uber already outside by the time he’s out the door. It’s blissfully silent; the perfect ride, but the Uber driver keeps glancing back at Kihyun wiping away his tears. When they arrive at the hospital, the man turns around as Kihyun’s unbuckling.

“I hope everything’s okay.”

Kihyun bites back a sob. “My boyfriend was in a car accident."

The Uber Driver's expression softens. A lot.

"I really hope he's okay, man. I'm praying for ya."

That really does mean a lot. It makes it even harder for Kihyun to hold back tears. "Thank you. Thanks.” He throws off the seatbelt and runs inside.

Changkyun is in a hospital bed. He’s not hooked up to any IV’s, but his mother is standing next to his bed with her hand on his forehead. All those tears Kihyun had been holding back come flooding when Changkyun smiles at him.

“It’s fine! I’m fine! Mom what’d you say to him?!”

All Kihyun wants to do is crash into Changkyun’s open arms, but he doesn’t know what’s happening, or what kind of pain Changkyun might be in. He reaches for Changkyun’s hand and slides their fingers together, reaches out to gently touch Changkyun’s messy hair. He scratches the back of his head, where the hairs are short, because that’s what Changkyun likes. Just like magic, Changkyun closes his eyes and rests his head in Kihyun’s hand. He’s so sweet. Seeing him here, okay and relaxed, eases Kihyun. His hands still shake, and his heart’s still trailing behind, somewhere.

“He’s fine. Banged up.” Ali gestures towards Changkyun’s left side. Kihyun can’t see Changkyun’s arm, it’s wrapped. “And he has a minor concussion.”

“I don’t remember hitting my head.”

“You have a minor concussion.”

“I don’t remember hitting my head.”

“You probably won’t ever, but you’ll have quite the bump later.” Ali pinches his ear. He’s missing a few earrings. Kihyun reaches up with his thumb to touch there. And Changkyun hums happily.

Kihyun looks at the bandages and gauze, gently rubs his fingers over it in question.

“The window shattered, and I…” Changkyun flips his palm over to show the sown up gash on his hand. It’s purple and red and pussing. “I touched it.”

“What happened?” Kihyun feels the urge to cry all over again. Bruce gives him a pat on the shoulder.

“T-Boned, smashed into another car.” Changkyun goes to slam his fist into his palm for emphasis, but Kihyun, Ali and Bruce all scream at him. Changkyun looks down at his stitched up hand and gently lays it back on the bed. That would’ve hurt.

“You’re so lucky.” Ali pets a hand through his hair. “You’re so, so lucky.” Her voice waivers a bit, expression falling to relief. Kihyun steps aside to let her have her moment with him. Changkyun smiles up at her, a little dopey. Bruce rests his hand on Changkyun’s. Bruce is a broad dude, bald, tatted, has a gruff voice, rides a Harley. He’s intimidating looking, but so soft for Ali and Changkyun. Bruce always looks at Changkyun the way a father should; proud. Right now it’s vulnerable and open. Changkyun gives him that same dopey smile he gave his mom and Bruce laughs, deep and rumbly.

“The pain meds are kicking in, aren’t they, bud?”

Changkyun blinks slowly. Yep, they’re setting in. Kihyun bites his lip, tries to hold back a smile. It’s such a relief to see Changkyun okay and getting high on pain meds.

“I’m really hungry.”

Ali laughs, and Kihyun realises she’s crying a little. Kihyun slinks to her side, feels comfortable enough with her to slip his hand into hers. She leans right into him, puts her temple against his shoulder, where she reaches at her height. She lets go of his hand to wrap her arms around his waist, and Kihyun returns her hug. He wants to be able to give Ali something, some type of comfort, in the middle of all this. Ali cares for Kihyun, and he loves her a lot. He appreciates her so much. He can’t imagine what it must be like for her to see her son in a hospital bed.

“Let’s go home,” Bruce motions to pat Changkyun’s leg, rethinks it and sets it back down on the mattress.

“Yeah. He can be discharged.” Ali goes into Nurse Mode, “Remember, lots of water, rest, don’t dump him in front of the television. Some Ibuprofen should be fine, there’s some in the medicine cabinet.” Kihyun doesn’t know where the medicine cabinet is but makes a mental note to ask Bruce, then realises that he plans on staying with Changkyun. Ali and Bruce better not mind. “There’s ointment for his cuts, too. I don’t want him leaving the house all weekend. I'll be home around eight tonight."

“He can sleep, right?” Bruce asks.

“Yeah, let him sleep if he wants.”

Changkyun is a little dizzy, which Ali assures Bruce and Kihyun that it’s normal. He has to change out of his hospital gown. Once Bruce steps out into the hallway Changkyun drops the flimsy gown to the floor.

“Really, babe?” Kihyun blushes, realizes Ali is right there. At least she’s laughing, a good reprieve from all the stress she’s gone through. Kihyun hands Changkyun the change of clothes Bruce brought. He needed a change of clothes because Changkyun’s clothes were covered in blood. Kihyun’s heart twists again.

They discharge him, Ali handles most of it. Changkyun shakily signs some paperwork, and if Kihyun isn’t glued right to his side, he looks up, a little slow, and casts over his sweet little baby pout that wins Kihyun over every single damn time. It’s a little hard to look at it when Changkyun’s doped up, even more impossible to ignore. Kihyun’s on high alert, holding Changkyun’s hand and making sure to stay in his peripherals, because Changkyun seems to have a minor freak out when Kihyun disappears for half a second.

He sits in the backseat with Changkyun, who sways a little and flops against Kihyun’s shoulder.

“Feelin’ sick.”

Bruce glances at them in the rear view mirror. “Let me know if he needs to throw up, I’ll pull over.”

Kihyun nods and brushes Changkyun’s hair out his face. He looks a little pale, and he winces when the car shakes; like when Bruce eases on the gas, or the break, or turns a corner. Fear rises back up in Kihyun’s chest like heartburn. They got incredibly lucky, but what if it were worse? What if Changkyun was past needing just a few stitches and a week off? Kihyun closes his eyes and prays, thankful beyond words, that he can hold Changkyun and listen to him complain.

Changkyun lets go of Kihyun’s hand when they’re in the house. “I’m gonna shower.”

That’s— that’s a thing he can do by himself, right? How much worrying is appropriate until it’s too much?

Bruce seems to be having the same thoughts. “If I called Ali to ask her if it’s okay for him to shower on his own, I know she’d call me a moron.”

“We’re probably just overreacting. I’m sure it’s fine.” Kihyun glances at Bruce, who has his whole bottom lip under his teeth.

“Maybe just, like,” Bruce gestures up the stairs. “Make sure he’s okay.”

“Yeah,” Kihyun thinks that justifies their over-worrying.

“Yeah.” Bruce nods.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Kihyun awkwardly makes his way out the kitchen, hears one last and final ‘ _yeah_ ' from Bruce in the living room.

Kihyun knocks on the bathroom door. Changkyun says he’s naked.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Kihyun wiggles the door handle. It’s locked. He hears it unlock, and Changkyun peeks through, and Kihyun almost shoves the door open when he sees blood trailing down the side of Changkyun’s face.

“You’re bleeding.” It starts from his piercing. Changkyun turns towards the mirror, wipes the blood off his face like it’s no big deal, and frowns at his eyebrow piercing. It’s bleeding, it’s swollen, Kihyun’s panicking. Changkyun pinches the bar, tugs it a little and Kihyun involuntarily goes, _oof_. Winces. Changkyun shoots him a look through the mirror, twists the end off, and pulls it out.

Kihyun’s gag reflex kicks in. That’s so gross. That’s grosser than the stitches, actually. That’s so much worse than the stitches. Kihyun’s never not liked Changkyun’s eyebrow piercing, it’s really just a part of his face, at this point. But he’s never really put much thought into it. Now he’s putting thought into how skeeved out he is by the piercing being removed because it’s irritated and bleeding.

Oh that’s so gross.

Changkyun leaves the barbell on the bathroom counter. “I’m gonna shower now.”

“Yep, okay.” Kihyun’s skin is still crawling. But then he notices Changkyun, Changkyun’s left side, specifically. He unwrapped the bandage, and all the small lacerations, the scrapes, are ugly and red, swollen and sensitive. Changkyun’s bruising all the way down his hip, his shoulder already turning purple. Kihyun’s heart sinks, and he looks up at Changkyun’s face.

“You don’t need anything?”

“Just, like, fifteen minutes.” Changkyun says, and closes the door. A second later, the shower turns on, and Kihyun heads downstairs to give Bruce a status report, and help with some food.

“You gonna stick around for the weekend?” Bruce asks, reading the back of a box of vegetable stock. He looks at the box, to the pot, From the box, to the pot. Makes his final decision and dumps the entire box in there.

Nothing was discussed, but Kihyun assumes that, as the boyfriend of two and a half years, it’s expected that he stays around to help. Besides, he’s staying around anyway.

“Yeah. Where’s your medicine cabinet?”

“Ah, lemme show ya.” Bruce says, wiping his hands on his printed apron. “Lemme show ya where Ali keeps her shit. She’s got, like, a whole arsenal of nursing shit in the bathroom. We’re ready for the zombie apocalypse.”

* * *

**Chingus**

Kihyun:  
Guys changkyun was in a car accident. He went to the hospital and has a minor concussion but we're staying with Ali for the weekend  
He's home now and he's okay

Hyungwon:  
Oh my god  
I'm so glad he's okay

Minhyuk:  
WHAT  
HOW

Kihyun:  
He got hit at an intersection

Jooheon:  
Holy fuck what the fuck thank you for telling us  
He’s really okay???

Kihyun:  
He's in the shower, its just me and Bruce here

Wonho:  
Can we stop by this weekend??

Kihyun:  
I don't see why not? I have to ask Ali first

Wonho:  
Yeah of course

Hyunwoo:  
What’s next?  
Is Kyun suing?

Kihyun:  
I have no idea  
We haven't been able to talk about much and Kyun's still fuzzy  
I just want to get through this weekend

Hyunwoo:  
Yeah, of course  
Let us know when its okay to come by

* * *

**Minhyuk**

Kihyun:  
Can you bring kyun a few pairs of sweatpants and sweatshirts?  
And his toothbrush

Minhyuk:  
Yeah

Kihyun:  
Thank you  
Underwear’s in the top drawer in his closet  
Sweats and sweatpants in the top and 2nd drawer on the dresser

Minhyuk:  
Got it!!!  
Be there soon

Minhyuk drops off Flynn, too. This isn't Flynn's first time at the house so he runs around to reacquaint himself, and Kihyun follows him around to make sure he doesn't pee on anything. Once Kihyun’s sure it's okay and Flynn is running around his feet and tripping him, Kihyun gives one-hundred percent of his attention back to Changkyun. He goes upstairs to Changkyun’s room, where Changkyun is in bed and Minhyuk is sitting on the end, and the two of them halt conversation to look at him. Kihyun apologises for interrupting their conversation, and they don’t pick it back up. Kihyun doesn’t wonder, he knows if it involved him, he’d be filled in.

Changkyun looks down at Flynn, and it could be the painkillers in his system, but he doesn't quite look excited. Changkyun and Flynn have a weird rivalry, sometimes they're friends, sometimes they're not.

"You brought the dog?"

The dog? Kihyun raises his eyebrow at that. Minhyuk just makes an _oh shit_ face.

"I thought you'd be happy to see him." Kihyun bends over to scratch Flynn on his head. The pup sticks his tongue out and looks like he's smiling.

"Yeah." Changkyun sounds as dull as the painkillers are probably making him.

"Well, I'm going back home." Minhyuk gets up and leans over the bed to give Changkyun a hug. "Love you, gremlin."

"Love you, ugly." Changkyun says in return, Minhyuk kisses the top of his head, and Kihyun sees him out. Flynn comes pattering down the hall, sits patiently as Kihyun and Minhyuk talk a little more at the door. Bruce comes by and talks to them, too. It's mostly about Changkyun and what the game plan is to get him back home on Monday, possibly Tuesday. Minhyuk has no problem with helping Changkyun change bandages or remember to take medication if need be. Kihyun has Monday off so he’ll be here, and even if Changkyun goes back to the apartment sooner rather than later, Kihyun doesn’t plan on leaving him alone.

"Text me when you get home." Kihyun says, and it means something more than what it did yesterday. Minhyuk grimaces before bouncing off to his car. Kihyun doesn't know why he thinks about it, but he watches to see if Minhyuk looks back at his parents house. It's right there. His parents still live there. Kihyun doesn't know what the fuck he would've done if his parents disowned him. He especially wouldn't know what to do if he had to still drive by their house regularly. It’d eat at him.

Though it doesn't seem like Minhyuk even glances over. He gets in his car, starts it, waves back to Kihyun. Kihyun watches the tail lights to Minhyuk’s sedan disappear down the street, clicks his tongue for Flynn to come back inside, and says his good night to Bruce before heading back upstairs. Flynn stays behind because Bruce offers to pour him some water in a bowl and Flynn really just goes where the attention is.

Kihyun brushes his teeth and gets ready for bed, crashes into bed with Changkyun. He needs to shove down the bitter feeling of being nervous, of being nervous of lying in his boyfriend’s bed with a parent home. Kihyun and Changkyun are adults. It'll be fine. Ali should be home soon. She’ll definitely come in and check on them but they’ll be in bed together. Kihyun’s only been caught in Changkyun’s bed a few times, every time fully dressed, and he still feels the need to inch away and create space between him and Changkyun.

"You're staying the weekend?" Changkyun asks after a few moments.

"Yeah, I'm staying." Kihyun kisses the top of Changkyun’s head.

Changkyun just hums, snuggles closer. Kihyun holds him, counting his blessings that he can. He closes his eyes, relaxes against Changkyun, and hears Flynn come back down the hallway. Changkyun’s bed is too high for Flynn to get up on without help. Just as Kihyun is rolling over, Changkyun’s arms tighten around his waist to hold him. Kihyun looks down, worried.

"I don't want him on the bed."

Kihyun opens his mouth, that's a bad idea.

Flynn whines. He's on Kihyun’s side of the bed. He knows if anyone will lift him up, it'll be Kihyun. But Kihyun is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Which is a terrible comparison to make about his boyfriend versus his dog. Changkyun, of course, comes first. But Flynn will —

He whines from the floor.

"Everyone said he cries when I stay out late." Kihyun rubs the back of Changkyun’s head, hoping it'll be enough to placate him. But Flynn whines again. This time, it's followed by a yip, as if he were calling Kihyun, like, _hello! I’m down here!_ As told by the roommates, on the nights Kihyun stays at Changkyun’s apartment, Flynn cries until midnight and then paces the apartment, lost and panicky and confused. He won't sleep with Wonho and Hyungwon. They've recorded their attempts to bring the dog into their room in hopes to calm him. Flynn will kind of settle in Hyunwoo's room, since he's normally home and is Flynn's second favorite, but even then he needs one of Kihyun's blankets or pillows or sweater.

How did Kihyun end up with a bratty boyfriend _and_ a bratty dog?

Changkyun groans in frustration and squeezes Kihyun, then lets go. "Okay. Fine."

Kihyun rolls over and lowers his hand to the floor. Flynn presses his chest to Kihyun’s hand, and now that he knows where the dog is, he scoops Flynn up under his belly and lifts him to the bed.

Changkyun and Flynn both freeze. Glare at each other, Changkyun frowns and cuddles up to Kihyun, and just as he's turning away to bury into Kihyun’s chest, Flynn actually growls at Changkyun, stomping his paws angrily.

"Hey," Kihyun lightly flicks Flynn's nose. "Not nice."

"My mortal nemesis is a fucking Norwich terrier." Changkyun groans, curling back against Kihyun.

* * *

Changkyun wakes up early, early in the morning, trembling.

“Fuck, fuck, everything hurts.” He puts his face in his hands and Kihyun jumps into consciousness, reaching out to hold him. The adrenaline and painkillers wore off; and everything Changkyun can feel, hits him at once. It’s his body kicking back for the trauma. Kihyun grabs for the painkillers he left in the room, the water, and Changkyun takes it quickly. He curls right back into Kihyun’s chest, and Kihyun runs his fingers through Changkyun’s hair. He knows the motions soothes Changkyun, and it relaxes Kihyun, too. He likes the feeling of Changkyun’s hair slipping through his fingers.

* * *

Kihyun’s mom calls. It’s barely eight in the morning for him, and Changkyun is still sleeping, curled up against him. It’s so warm and comfortable and ugh, Kihyun doesn’t want to get out of bed. He answers the phone, doesn’t care that he’s in bed with Changkyun. Changkyun’s hurt, anyway. And dead asleep. Kihyun lowers the volume on his phone as Nawoon processes what’s suddenly in front of her. She fumbles, offers to call back later. Kihyun will probably still be in bed later, so now it is.

“He was in a car accident.” Kihyun has to go through the story, again, for his parents. Changkyun slowly wakes up to him talking, keeps going between drifting awake and asleep, fighting awake. He buries his face into Kihyun’s neck, lining the bridge of his nose along Kihyun’s jaw and Kihyun can’t help but smile. This is his happy place.

Changkyun sighs against him, a hand coming up to cup the side of his face, gently stroke his cheek. Kihyun pauses, realises it’s something Changkyun is doing in his sleep. What a clingy, needy boyfriend. Kihyun wants to kiss him, but won’t do it in front of his parents, who are super worried and concerned. They don’t talk for long, Kihyun promises he’ll keep them in the loop, let them know how Changkyun heals. He feels his chest inflate, happy that his parents care for Changkyun this much. They even tell Kibeom, because barely an hour later and Kibeom texts him asking how Changkyun is. It makes Kihyun smile.

Kihyun puts his phone down and looks up at the ceiling, running a hand through Changkyun’s hair. He does have to get up and pee, though. But Kihyun has: a leg over his waist, two arms around his neck, Changkyun half on top of him, Flynn lying curled up in the bend of his knee. Kihyun’s always has a hard time trying to unlatch from the barnacle grip of Im Changkyun. When he inches away, Changkyun squeezes, Flynn doesn’t budge.

Kihyun accepts his fate, that he’ll rot away here.

* * *

They go see Candie at the junkyard so Changkyun can get his things from the car and say his last goodbye’s. Jooheon, Minhyuk and Ali come along.

Candie is mangled; looking at it makes Kihyun sick. The front of the car is smashed, the body bent, the door off its hinges. He got hit on the passenger side. Then the driver’s side, crushed between two cars. There’s glass everywhere, the windows and windshield shattered on impact, and Ali asks Changkyun to be careful as he climbs into the skeleton of the car to get his things; sunglasses, that are still on the floor, paperwork from the glove compartment, he has things in the backseat, the trunk is jarred. No one can get it open, even with Minhyuk and Kihyun both pulling on it together.

“There wasn’t anything important in there anyway, thanks guys.” Changkyun tells them it’s okay. The junkyard owner says he can go get a crowbar if they really need one, but Changkyun assures it’s fine.

“You know how he got that car?” Ali asks softly when she and Kihyun take a step back. Kihyun glances back at the trio by the car, frowning a little.

“Bruce found it for him.” Kihyun knows the story; Ali and Changkyun shared a car after he got his license, it was an inconvenience, Changkyun rarely got to drive, and when he started working he’d have to hitch rides from coworkers, or he and Ali would alternate between who would pick who up. One of the first things Bruce and Changkyun did together was find a car from a private seller. Candie cost nineteen year old Changkyun his measly savings, but Bruce fixed her up for him. Bruce got her on the road.

Kihyun knows that the car means a lot to Changkyun; his ticket to freedom, Bruce’s first step into a step-father role before anyone even realized that’s what was going on.

Kihyun has a lot of good memories in the car, too, but he’s not sad. It's just a car. It can be replaced. Replacing Candie will suck, but it can be done. What’s important is Changkyun is safe and okay.

While Changkyun, Minhyuk and Jooheon get teary eyed and hold a little mini funeral for the car, Kihyun feels two arms wrap around his middle. He startles, and looks down at Ali, who’s already pulling away from the hug that happened too fast for Kihyun to process. He doesn’t ask what it was for, but quickly wraps his arms around her to let her know he’s here for her. Just like in the hospital.

“I’ll have nightmares of this car for the rest of my life.” Ali mutters, and Kihyun holds her tight. Kihyun hooks his chin over her head. He forgets that Ali’s older, sometimes, a middle aged woman who's been through a lot, until he notices the wrinkles around her eyes, the greys in her hair, because she’s always smiling and she’s always so happy that those smaller details become insignificant. Kihyun has never seen anything other than love and happiness in her eyes, but with everything that she’s gone through these past few days, she looks like she’s aged.

“They brought him in on a stretcher.” She says, voice soft and scared. Kihyun frowns, hates the mental image that gives him. “I work the ER, I knew someone was coming in but I didn’t know who it was until they pushed him through the bay and I saw it was him. They said it was a pedestrian that made the 911 call, because Changkyun was too dazed to do it himself, and he passed out around the time the ambulance arrived.”

Kihyun holds onto her a little tighter. He feels her struggle to breathe, to hold back tears.

“He had blood all over his face, and his arm.” She has today off, she’s been home with them, hovering a lot. Kihyun understands why, and hasn’t tried to get between her and Changkyun.

Kihyun’s relationship with his mother isn’t bad enough for him to be seeking Ali as a mother figure, but she’s like this second mom, at this point. Kihyun appreciates her so much, that she was so willing to take him under her wing. Ali, the mother to a group of confused and stumbling through life gays.

Ali pulls away, and despite the crackle in her voice, she looks okay. Her eyes are clear. “Thank you for all your help this weekend.”

Whatever he wants to say next gets cut off, because Changkyun, Minhyuk and Jooheon finish saying their good-bye’s to Candie. They come back over, and Kihyun offers to take the box of things out of Jooheon’s arms. Jooheon shakes his head, he’s got it.

* * *

Changkyun recovers well. He eats well and takes the meds and his mom checks in on his symptoms. Nothing else is hurt, he has no major injuries, just that egg-shaped bump on the side of his head, a limp and the ugliest spread of bruises up his left side. He goes home Tuesday. His stitches come out later in the week, and then next week he goes back to work. He has to go car shopping. He searches online, and Kihyun hangs out looking over his shoulder. They dream a little and look at Audi’s, BMW’s, cars Changkyun doesn’t think he’ll ever afford.

“Maybe one day.” Kihyun kisses the top of Changkyun’s head, careful where he places his hand to not brush against any of Changkyun’s bruises. Changkyun’s job is going well, he’s due for a raise. If he really needs to, he can always pick up some busy shifts at the restaurant. He does it whenever he needs a little extra cash, or wants to buy Kihyun something nice. Or himself. Around the holidays he bought himself the newest PlayStation and Kihyun didn’t hear from the bonehead for almost a week. He had to go to Changkyun’s apartment and kick the door down and be annoying to get some attention like the abandoned boyfriend he was.

Tuesday night, Changkyun’s first night back at his apartment, he insists he’ll be fine, that he plans on staying in bed so Kihyun can go back to his own apartment. He responds to Kihyun’s texts, calls him for a little to say goodnight. Kihyun wakes up with a few texts from three, four in the morning. They’re all car options.

**Kyunnie** 🍑

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Why were you up at four in the morning?

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Couldn’t sleep

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Why are you up now???

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Couldn’t sleep

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Did you put your phone down

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Yeah  
Had some tea  
Idk i can’t sleep

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Do you want me to come over after work?  
Are you feeling okay? Any headaches? Dizziness?

Kyunnie 🍑:  
No  
I’m good

Kihyun recognizes Changkyun’s spirals by now.

Most of the time he catches them too late, and then Changkyun is right in the middle of a depressive episode and Kihyun doesn’t know what to do about it, and then Changkyun’s out of it. Kihyun doesn’t get it, but he knows when Changkyun cancels plans last minute, or gets really moody, or becomes closed off, that there’s something wrong. Before Changkyun, Kihyun understood it even less. But then he had that panic attack when his parents came down from Korea, and a lot of Changkyun’s moods made sense to him.

The next day, Changkyun is fine. Kihyun shows up at his apartment and Changkyun is shoving popcorn in his mouth in the living room. He gasps obnoxiously when he sees the Five Guys bag in Kihyun’s hand. Kihyun drops it into his lap, sits down on the couch next to him and leans in to give him a kiss. Changkyun smiles at him, that cute little cat-grin of his, and Kihyun can’t help reaching up to squish his cheeks and kiss him again. He realizes he’s being touchy with Changkyun, but it comes so naturally to him.

Those dark circles look bad though, Kihyun drags his thumb against Changkyun’s cheekbone. He knows that Changkyun struggles with self-image, which is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

“Hey.”

Changkyun has popcorn in one hand, fries in another. He looks like he’s in heaven.

“Yes?”

Kihyun presses another kiss to Changkyun’s face, heart soaring as Changkyun breaks into giggles.

“Don’t eat both burgers, one is mine.”

“Ahh, which one. The one without pickies is mine?”

“Don’t call them pickies.”

Changkyun sucks his teeth. “Okay, so, _pickies_.”

It’s adorable, how Changkyun just. Is. Kihyun doesn’t know how else to explain Changkyun to someone. He just is. He can come off as cold and callous, but he’s truly warm and welcoming and accepting. Kihyun felt so drawn to Changkyun even in the beginning, even with Changkyun’s teasing, Kihyun felt comfortable with Changkyun. He has that aura. He’s shy, but he makes friends everywhere, he’s always meeting someone knew, making friends with the barista at the Starbucks down the street, remembers the name of the Seven-Eleven attendant, doesn’t even need to look at his nametag anymore. Kihyun’s sure that the seven-eleven guy doesn’t know Changkyun’s name. But Changkyun doesn’t even mind, because it’s not important, he just gets excited to see the guy, ask him how school’s going, how his daughter is.

“How’s your hand?” Kihyun holds out his hand and Changkyun drops his right into Kihyun’s palm. The bruising is still ugly and dark. The wound itself looks gross.

“Mom says it’s gonna leave a scar.”

Kihyun looks up to inspect Changkyun’s expression. He seems okay with it. Kihyun doesn’t care if Changkyun doesn’t.

“I’m sleeping here tonight.” Kihyun announces, shrugging off his jacket. He’s gotten better at actually wearing coats, mostly because Changkyun will get mad and yell at him. An angry Changkyun is a terrifying Changkyun.

Changkyun smiles and leans over, curling against him.

“Mmmmm, yes, please do.”

* * *

They’re at the grocery store, Changkyun is doing much better; his limp is gone, his stitches come out in three days. That bump on the side of his head is gone, too. Kihyun still calls him 'egghead.' Changkyun rolls his eyes every time, but there’s a soft smile on his face. Kihyun won’t push it much longer, it’s getting old already. It’s so easy to tease Changkyun, and Kihyun loves doing it. He loves how riled up Changkyun gets, and he absolutely loves it when Changkyun dishes it back, getting bratty.

Kihyun is a few paces behind Changkyun, looking down at his phone. Changkyun sets two cereals on the edge of the shopping cart, and Kihyun looks up. Kihyun pushes the cart because once he dropped a jar of pickles. That was mortifying. It makes the top five worst moments of his life.

Grocery shopping with Changkyun is always fun. Changkyun likes to turn everything into a debate, he reads the nutrition labels and changes his mind on things, he buys so many damn Pop-Tarts. Kihyun can’t understand what the fuck it is about the sad excuse for a pastry that really satisfies Changkyun. It’s overly sugary and the nutrition label is a nightmare and it doesn’t taste good warmed up, he doesn’t care how much Changkyun insists it does. Kihyun looks up and sees Changkyun holding up two, gross strawberry flavor versus gross s’mores flavor, and makes a face.

“You know what my answer is.” Kihyun grimaces at the pastries. Even the color on the box is gross.

“Strawberry or S’mores. Just make this decision for —” Changkyun lowers the boxes, color draining from his face. He fumbles, puts the boxes back on the shelf, and just as Kihyun looks curiously over his shoulder, he hears someone say Changkyun’s name.

Kihyun knows this man. He doesn't know how; university, maybe? But there's something way too familiar about his face. About his nose —

Kihyun remembers the photo books Ali showed him, pictures of baby Changkyun —

This man is Changkyun’s biological father.

Kihyun knows because Ali loves taking out the baby photos and showing off Changkyun’s cute little baby face. This man is in a lot of the photos. Time has not treated him well. He looks exhausted. Mean. Though, he's always looked mean. In the photos of baby Changkyun’s very first bath, or his very first steps, or his very first tantrum because of a bootie, this man looked miserable. All the time. Which is such a fucking shame, because all of Changkyun’s baby firsts have this man scowling in the background. It should've been Ali in the photos, but this man wouldn't bother to take a single one. Kihyun doesn't even know what this man's name is. He's always just "the father."

"I thought you went back to Korea." Changkyun says. His posture is awkward. It’s all over the place, stiff but loose. His eyes are hard, though, unwelcoming. It makes Kihyun take a step back, fury and exhaustion making a terrifying warning in Changkyun’s gaze.

"I did." Changkyun’s father says, and Kihyun just looks between the two of them, unable to say anything. This is so awkward. He, personally, would like to run this man the fuck over for all the bullshit he's put Changkyun and Ali through. Changkyun has a lot of unsettled feelings towards this man, so no matter what happens, no matter how Changkyun reacts, Kihyun wouldn’t blame him for it. He knows all the unfortunate stories, he knows that all of Changkyun’s insecurities are personified in this man.

Changkyun sighs audibly, shakily. It's rage. Kihyun pushes the cart forward, slides his hand down Changkyun’s arm and laces their fingers together.

"Babe, let's go."

Changkyun’s dad makes a face, ugly and revolted. Kihyun doesn't consider himself a violent person, but he does get an urge to swing a fucking fist. Fuck this man. _Fuck_ this man. They just need to get out of here, they have one more thing to throw into their cart and then they'll leave, and they'll leave this moment behind in the cereal aisle. This man isn't worth a second thought. Changkyun is so much better off, he's an amazing person because of his father's absence. The father doesn't matter, and Kihyun wants to walk away and continue down the list and go on with their lives. Never think of him again. Let him know he's not worth a second thought.

A young girl comes down the aisle, carrying a bag of chips.

"Hey dad, can we get these?"

Kihyun catches the startling resemblance between her side profile and Changkyun's.

And there's nothing Kihyun can do as Changkyun swivels around, his nostrils flaring. Changkyun’s hand slips from his.

"Excuse me," Changkyun stares at the girl, eyes wild. "How old are you?"

The girl blinks at him, immediately slides up to Changkyun’s dad — her dad's — side. She glances at her father and then back at Changkyun.

"Um, who are you? Dad, who's he?" She drops the chips in the cart.

"This is Changkyun." The father lookIs up. This whole thing is a train wreck. It's two trains set on the same track flying towards each other. And both the trains are on fire. Kihyun doesn’t know what to do.

"Changkyun, this is Daisy."

Daisy has no idea who Changkyun is. Kihyun realizes this means Changkyun’s father doesn't speak of him. Changkyun realizes this, too.

"Your half-brother."

Daisy blinks, surprised, staring at Changkyun. Kihyun wants to take Changkyun’s hand and run. This whole situation is so fucking awful.

"How old is she, Junghoon."

Changkyun naturally has a deep tone, low and rumbly. This low and rumbly is new and dangerous, threatening. It's terrifying. Kihyun didn't know Changkyun could even sound like this.

"Thirteen."

Daisy can read the mood. She glances at Kihyun, trying to figure out who he is, how he fits into this. Kihyun feels like his only role should be to pull Changkyun out. When he does the math in his head, when he realizes Changkyun was eleven when she was born, but was fifteen when his parents separated, an alarm blares in Kihyun’s head. They need to get out. Now.

"Kyun," Kihyun doesn't want to be too rough, but he knows this is going to take some force. He abandons the cart and slips his hand back into Changkyun’s. Changkyun’s sweaty. He's trembling.

"How long were you cheating on mom?"

"Babe, we should go." Kihyun holds on a little tighter. Changkyun squeezes his hand back. Junghoon looks at their hands and scoffs and Changkyun explodes, explodes so hard Kihyun swears he can feel the heat of a fire licking at his sides.

"Mom did so fucking much for you — she left behind so fucking much for you but all you fucking did was make her life _miserable_." And then Changkyun… centers. He shakes his head a little, steps back, and grabs for the shopping cart. “Let’s go.”

Kihyun shocks, a little, buffers, and falls into step next to Changkyun. They really only need one more thing off their list, they go get bread. Changkyun wants rolls, and they head out.

Kihyun thinks he sees Junghoon in the parking lot, but Changkyun doesn’t pay it any mind. Neither does Kihyun. He does, though, give Changkyun a kiss.

“You okay?”

“I’m not… angry. I’m over it. I don’t care about him, so why…” Changkyun carefully places the eggs in the middle of a nest of bread. “Why would I give him any more of my energy?”

Changkyun, underneath all his colorful layers, is incredibly solid. He redirects his trauma and self esteem issues through humor. He's funny and sarcastic and witty. But he's so fucking smart. He’s such an inspirational person. Kihyun finds himself awed by Changkyun again and again. He handles everything with an open mind, tries to listen, tries to put himself in the other person's shoes. Sometimes, it's to a fault. Today though, he took care of himself, first.

Kihyun’s so proud of Changkyun. “You’re amazing.”

“My body hurts.” Changkyun rubs at his shoulder. Kihyun needs to get his license faster. He wishes he could drive them home so Changkyun doesn’t have to.

“It’s probably irritated, still healing from the accident and whatever stress you just went through.” Kihyun watches Changkyun’s expression. It’s forlorn, tired. Changkyun let a lot out, realizing he had nothing more to give. He looks up to his mother, cherishes her, loves her so much. It inspires Kihyun in his own relationship with his mother, honestly. It’s always been a see-saw, they need each other for little pushes, but they stay far apart. They can go over a week without even texting each other. But now it’s organic. It feels good. They’ve made the most progress since he came out, but he can work on a lot more. Changkyun and Ali aren’t like that. They’re strong. For a while, they only had each other.

After they’ve unloaded the car, Changkyun says he wants to be with Ali. Kihyun gives Changkyun a sweet kiss, one that makes Changkyun all giggly, so that when he pulls away, he’s smiling and looks more at ease. Kihyun knows how to kiss him just so. It gives him butterflies when they kiss like this.

“I love you.” Changkyun mumbles, dipping forward to kiss Kihyun one last time.

“I love you, too. Text me when you get home.”

“I will. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Kihyun stands on the sidewalk and watches Ali’s silver sedan disappear down the street.

* * *

**Kyunnie** 🍑

Kyunnie 🍑:  
You know what I’m thinking?

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
I’m too far for our telepathy to work

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Hgiuhgnjksfsn  
Wait hold on lemme amply the vibes  
Gonna stick my fingers in an outlet  
Let me know if it's working

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
CHANGKYUN PLEASE

Kyunnie 🍑:  
HISUJF  
PROMISE IM NOT REALLY  
GUESS WHAT IM THINKING

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
About sticking your hands in an outlet

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Actually  
Yea  
But no  
Rhfusrjkfsr  
Cars

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
You’re supposed to get one so I hope you’re thinking about cars

Kyunnie 🍑:  
But specifically  
A beetle  
Tell me i wouldn’t look cute af in one

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
You’d look cute as fuck in anything

Kihyun has to very quickly Google ‘car beetle.’

Oh.

_Oh no._

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Wait why do you want one of these

Kyunnie 🍑:  
ISN’T IT CUTE AF  
A CONVERTIBLE?!!?!  
THEY COME IN YELLOW  
OR PURPLE

* * *

**Minhyuk**

Kihyun:  
Did you go car shopping with kyun today?

Minhyuk:  
Yes  
Can you do it instead?  
Im going to run him the fuck over in front of a salesperson

Kihyun:  
I can’t drive and i dont have a car  
Was changkyun looking at VW beetles?

Minhyuk:  
There was one in his price range  
We test drove it

King Bisexual:  
Can you please make sure he just  
Doesn’t

Minhyuk:  
LMAO WHAT IS HE TELLING YOU

* * *

**Kyunnie** 🍑

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
You do love purple

Kyunnie 🍑:  
YEAH IT’D BE CUTE  
Also gay  
Im here fo rthe gay shit

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
What other cars did you look at

Kyunnie 🍑:  
EH  
Nothing as cute as the beetle

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Cars aren’t supposed to be cute

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe  
Baby  
It’s a car  
If i have to drive it of course it’s gonna be cute

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
It is a car  
They should be cool  
Reliable  
What are the features on a beetle

Kyunnie 🍑:  
COOL?  
Like what? a porsche

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Yes like a porsche

Kyunnie 🍑:  
MY CARD GOT DECLINED LAST WEEK  
WHAT MAKES U THINK I CAN AFFORD A PORSCHE

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
You should get a sedan  
A coupe is impractical  
Sunroofs leak  
Whats the mpg and is it awd or fwd  
Get a back up camera

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Hey babe  
Baby  
My sweet hamster baby angel

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Why do I know you’re about to say something mean

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Please stop having cishet male opinions on cars

Kyunnie 🍑:  
HIFSDKNJFSKGS  
HELLO BABE???

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Fuck am i in the doghouse

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave

Kyunnie 🍑:  
OH YOU MEMED ME  
IM SAFE

* * *

Kihyun doesn’t normally wake to messages that come in after he’s fallen asleep. He still occasionally talks to friends and acquaintances from Korea, so his phone will go off with messages overnight. Wonho tends to have weird hours, sometimes he’s messaging a meme or TikTok into the group chat at two in the morning. Whoever knows what Changkyun’s doing at three. The phone usually gets lost in Kihyun’s bed, anyway, he doesn’t feel the vibrations. If he does feel it, it’s probably a phone call. Or his fucking alarm set to go off at seven in the morning. It’s amazing, but kind of pathetic he considers that sleeping in. At his last job he had to be in at seven. Now he’s in at nine. It’s a miracle.

Even after being in the United States for three years, Kihyun’s half-asleep brain answers his phone in Korean. It’s still the default language in his brain.

It’s quiet on the other end. Kihyun reaches for Flynn, and the little dog lazily wags his tail, rolling over so Kihyun can sleepily scratch his belly. Is the line dead? Did Kihyun dream his phone was going off? He pulls his cell away from his ear, blinks at it — fuck, it’s too bright.

It says 'Kyunnie 🍑' across the screen. That’s their selfie together, one they took at Christmas a few months ago, Changkyun wearing a reindeer headband. It had bells. It was adorable.

“Yeah? Kyunnie?” Kihyun puts the phone back to his ear, struggling to hear anything through the silence, until he hears a sniffle.

“Can you…”

Changkyun’s crying, and that information surges confusedly through Kihyun’s system, everywhere but nowhere at once.

Kihyun sits up, nearly knocks his alarm clock off the nightstand trying to find the lamp switch.

“Hey, baby, I’m coming, okay? Does it — are you hurt?”

Kihyun gives Flynn a little pat, the poor dog looking sleepy and confused.

“No, I’m sorry. You don’t have to come you don’t —” Changkyun takes in a shuddering breath. “I just wanted to talk to you.”

“It’s fine, I’m coming.”

“I don’t want…” Changkyun sounds faded and far off. “I don’t want you to see me…”

“I’ll be right there.” Kihyun opens the goddamn Uber app. Taps impatiently at his phone and thinks, it’s past two-thirty in the morning, he’s good enough to drive. You know who would let him borrow his car? Wonho. Luckily, Hyungwon sleeps like the dead, and underneath the blankets.

“Hey.” Kihyun hisses, poking Wonho’s muscular arm. That startles him awake, and Kihyun winces and looks at the lump of Hyungwon. That doesn’t budge.

Wonho rubs his eyes and blinks at Kihyun. Rubs his eyes again.

“What’s going on? Are you okay?”

“I need your car.”

Wonho blinks. “Am I still dreaming?”

“No. I need your car.”

“You don’t even have your permit.”

“But do you think I’m good enough to get one?”

“Uh,” Wonho doesn’t have to say _yes_ for Kihyun to know that he’s thinking _yes_.

“Cool. Where are your keys?”

Wonho rubs at his face again. “You — why you need it?”

“To get to Changkyun.”

It’s two-forty. Wonho looks up from his phone. He seems a little clearer now. “Is he okay?”

“He’s — I dunno.” Kihyun looks to where Wonho is pointing; the desk in the corner.

“Mine’s the Nissan.” He and his boyfriend both drive Nissans. “The pink fuzzy, yeah. That one.”

“Thank you so, so much.” Kihyun presses his palms together and shakes his hands in Wonho’s direction. “Thank you — ah,” He nearly trips over Flynn. “Sorry, buddy, I gotta go.” Kihyun turns back to Wonho. “Thank you so much. Love you so much.”

“Love you. Text me as soon as you park the car.” Wonho looks worried, Kihyun’s positive it’s because he’s scared for Changkyun, not so much his car. He’s the one that’s mostly been teaching Kihyun how to drive. He knows Kihyun’s good at it now.

Kihyun sees one cop on his drive to Changkyun’s. His heart falls into his stomach, he doesn’t know what would happen if he got pulled over while driving a car that isn’t his without a license. He knows the route to Changkyun’s, though, it’s not that far. It’s late enough on a Tuesday that there’s not any one out, either. So Kihyun’s less worried about the roads, rolls through the yellow blinking lights, and rolls into the lot. The parking situation at Changkyun and Minhyuk’s apartment is pretty shitty, but there’s a spot in the back. Kihyun texts Wonho like he promised, and calls Changkyun to buzz him in.

Changkyun is waiting in the entryway to his apartment, wearing a hoodie and sweats, the hood pulled up over his head and his bangs over his face. Kihyun shoves through, pulls him into his arms and tries not to let the door slam behind him. Changkyun immediately drops into his arms, and Kihyun is fully supporting him, hooking his arms around Changkyun’s waist to hold him.

“Hey,” He says, and feels Changkyun shake. “I’m here.”

Kihyun has to practically carry him back to bed. But he lays him on the bed and lets Changkyun lay over him, face in his neck, tears wetting the fabric of his hoodie. Kihyun’s witnessed Changkyun having a meltdown or two, but never anything like this.

Changkyun clings to him, hands shaking, and Kihyun holds him, closes his eyes and shoves down his own fear as Changkyun lets out a noise Kihyun’s never heard him make before, broken and loud.

That one time Kihyun had a panic attack Changkyun talked him through it. Kihyun would ramble nonsensically, in hope to lighten the mood, but Changkyun’s crying so hard there’s no point.

Changkyun sobs himself to sleep, putty in Kihyun’s clingy arms.

* * *

When the alarm goes off in the morning, Kihyun holds Changkyun tighter. Then he remembers he’s at Changkyun’s, one hand coming up to gently touch Changkyun’s face.

“Hey,”

Changkyun’s eyes are puffy and red. His skin looks thin. He looks down at Kihyun’s chest. “Hi.” His voice is garbled and exhausted.

“Are you going to work today?” Kihyun looks up at the time. He has about forty-five minutes, but he still has to bring Wonho’s car back to the apartment. Fuck it. Work can deal with him being late.

“Yeah.”

Kihyun kisses Changkyun’s forehead. “Is that… are you okay to do that…?”

“Yeah. Sorry.” Changkyun rolls over and Kihyun lets him go, loosening his grip so Changkyun can make space between them. “I’m so sorry. Sorry I called and —”

“Are you okay, though?” Kihyun rests up on his forearm, trying to catch a glimpse of Changkyun’s expression.

“Do I sound like I’m fucking — sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“Sor—”

Changkyun falls quiet.

“Do you want to talk about it…?”

“I’m good! I’m all good.” Changkyun sits up. He glances over his shoulder and that’s all it takes for Kihyun to see how on edge he is. He says he’s going to take a shower, and Kihyun doesn’t say anything, just watches him go. Kihyun flops back on the pillows for only a moment. Gets up and greets a very confused Minhyuk in the kitchen.

“When did you get here?”

“Kyunnie…” Kihyun doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. “He called… it was like two-thirty. Three.”

Minhyuk just goes, ah, really softly. “He crashed?”

“That’s probably what that was. Yeah.” Kihyun frowns when Minhyuk looks at him.

“Yeah, I heard him throwing up last night. I made him soup, but,” Minhyuk reaches for the pot on the stove, a single portion of broth and rice in there, untouched.

Kihyun goes for the tea cabinet, thinking, maybe no coffee for Changkyun. There should be herbal tea in here. Tea, and, unfortunately, Pop-Tarts. Kihyun sticks them in the oven, with some bread for himself.

“I’ve never seen it this bad.”

Minhyuk prepares his coffee in a travel mug. “He doesn’t usually talk to anyone about it, just kind of shuts himself the fuck out."

Kihyun appreciates that Minhyuk, who thrives off chaos, who loves to just fling himself through life, rubs that energy off all over the place. It was how they bonded.

In the student center on campus, up on the fifth floor, there’s a dead-end hallway. There’s a bathroom, a conference room, a janitorial closet, and further back, close to the window at the end of the hall, a bench built into the wall. Kihyun found it getting lost one day trying to find one of the clubs, and it became his little hideout. On his very first semester his forty-five minute break overlapped with one of Minhyuk’s, and Minhyuk found him one day taking a seventeen minute power nap.

Boy, was it fucking awkward. They had met that one weekend before Jooheon’s birthday party, officially, for the first time. Minhyuk and Jooheon knew Wonho through their major, weren’t friends but Wonho knew enough of them to know they’d been friends forever, he spotted them when they were on campus with a third boy — Changkyun. Kihyun had already bonded fairly well with Changkyun and formed a solid friendship that border lined Kihyun wondering if getting into his pants was off the table, though things were tense and flirty and confusing as all fuck.

Actually, meeting Minhyuk in that corner was more awkward on Kihyun’s part, because he wasn’t sure where his relationship with Changkyun was going, so he didn’t know where his relationship with Changkyun’s friends were going, and he might’ve cowered a bit when Minhyuk grinned at him like Kihyun was a small field mouse about to be lunch.

“Hey, Kihyun, what’s up?” Minhyuk had said, plopping right down next to him. “This is your spot too? You come here often?”

“Uh, Tuesdays and Thursdays.” Kihyun replied, scooting over, away from Minhyuk.

“Cool.” And then Minhyuk launched into conversation like this wasn’t their only third time meeting. For the life of him, Kihyun can’t remember what the fuck Minhyuk talked about, since half the time the shit that comes out his mouth is just babble, but that was the moment that solidified their relationship. At one point, Minhyuk said,

“I know you’re tryna fuck Kyun.”

Kihyun sucked on his lower lip and had nothing to say to defend himself.

“Is this the part where you tell me to back off?”

“No,” Minhyuk smirked, took a sip of his pumpkin spice latte. Kihyun could smell the pumpkin spice.

Minhyuk didn’t say anything else. For the first time in like fifteen minutes, he kept his mouth shut.

“Uh,” Kihyun had wondered if that was the unofficial _go for it_ from one of the best friends.

“He’s hot, I get it.”

That comment raised so many questions from Kihyun.

“You’re hot,” Minhyuk smirked, ran his gaze up and down Kihyun’s body in a way that made Kihyun run hot. “I get it.” Minhyuk smirked at Kihyun in a way that made him wonder if they were going to take the rest of this conversation to the janitorial closet. Not that fucking the best friend of the guy he wanted to… get…. Into a relationship with…? Take on an official date? Kihyun was still trying to figure it out, would look good for anybody.

So Kihyun had leaned back, twisted his body away from Minhyuk to diffuse the tension that built. Minhyuk’s hot, Kihyun has eyes.

“Interesting.” Minhyuk drummed his long fingers against his cup, and that was when Kihyun realized Minhyuk was testing him. Minhyuk wasn’t going to outwardly threaten Kihyun, but he was going to make him walk on needles and jump over hurdles to prove that he was serious about Changkyun.

And, honestly, Kihyun was beginning to think Changkyun would be worth the effort.

Kihyun can’t help but think back to that moment; to the other moments Minhyuk put him in; the pool game, that day on the bench, Minhyuk hit on him once more after that, touched his arm, got all in his space, on that seclusive bench in the dead-end hallway on the fifth floor, and Kihyun knew Minhyuk would never actually _do_ anything but run to Changkyun and tell him Kihyun’s a worthless man that only thought with his dick, if Kihyun reciprocated for even a second. Kihyun appreciated that, still does, that Changkyun has such good friends that look out for him.

He wants to go back in time and rub it in old Minhyuk’s face that he’s here, years later, in a happy and supportive relationship with Changkyun. Changkyun has long-told Kihyun about how Minhyuk was so vehemently against them dating in the beginning, all for good cause. It’s kind of cute thinking of where they were and how they’ve ended up.

“It happens, though.”

Kihyun stares at the toaster oven, standing so close he can feel the heat coming off it. “I don’t know what to do…”

“He called you.” Minhyuk tastes his coffee, makes a face. “I’ve known him ten years, Joo even longer, and he’s never called us. So you’re doing something right.”

The toaster dings. Kihyun puts some jelly on his slice of bread, and brings water and Pop-Tarts to Changkyun’s room. He sets the plate on the bureau, but reaches for a pastry to hand it over to Changkyun. Changkyun just frowns at it, takes it, takes a bite with that frown.

“You took Wonho’s car?”

“Huh?” Kihyun looks where Changkyun is, by the door, where Kihyun emptied his pockets. His wallet, Wonho’s keys.

“You can go.”

“Kyun —”

“I’m serious. It’s fine. You can go. I’m fine.”

“I can come by after work —”

“I don’t need you to.”

Kihyun doesn’t want to leave Changkyun alone. But he doesn’t want to baby. But he’s worried, his heart feels like it’s going to explode in his chest. He also picked up on the ‘I don’t need you’ and he’s not sure what to make of it. He knows Changkyun doesn’t _need_ him. He knows that. He wonders if Changkyun’s trying to remind himself of that. He wonders if Changkyun thinks that moment of vulnerability last night was too much for him. So, if Changkyun really needs it, Kihyun will take a step back.

“I’ll call you on lunch break.”

Changkyun’s eyes look watery, and he turns away. He doesn’t say anything.

“Please eat breakfast.”

Changkyun nods.

Kihyun closes the door to Changkyuns bedroom, wants to bust back in there, but doesn’t know what’s okay. He’s always held Changkyun at the end of a bad day, kissed his worries away. It’s not working this time.

* * *

Changkyun cancels on him, the second day in a row. Kihyun doesn't want to get irritated, but it’s irritating. So he does what he does best: research. He finds helpful Instagram pages that break down mental illnesses in clear bullet point formats. He finds articles that link to better resources. He finds Reddit threads of people talking through figuring out their depression, spreading words of wisdom from their therapists. Kihyun knows that Changkyun’s spirals aren't related to himself. But it's hard when Changkyun is just out of it for a reason Kihyun can't place his finger on. It worries him when he sees stories of families recounting last moments with those they lost to suicide.

Kihyun doesn't think that's where Changkyun is at, but this is the longest one of his depressive episodes have ever lasted, at least while Kihyun’s been around, but it worries him when he sends through a few texts within the span of an hour or two and they shall sit on unread. Or when it’s nine and Changkyun is already asleep, and sleeps late. Or when Changkyun texts him at three in the morning and responds almost immediately when Kihyun wakes up around six.

That's when it can't be hidden; the dark circles, the acne on his chin. Kihyun cares about Changkyun, has a generally caring nature, but he doesn't know where the line is to too much. When does it stop? When is it not okay? Kihyun needs Changkyun to set those boundaries, he hovers in the meantime. Not that Kihyun minds helping him out. Kihyun’s seen how Changkyun just shoulders shit, shit that’s not even his own problem. He crashes through life almost blindly, sacrifices his time and energy for others, and at the end of the day, deals with whatever shit his head puts him through, by himself.

When Kihyun first saw Changkyun spiral, he asked Minhyuk and Jooheon what they did for him. They said they gave him space, check up on him, stop by to made sure he ate, and then would go home. They said there wasn't much they could do. Changkyun pushes through these things on his own. It's how he's always handled it.

It’s tough. Kihyun thinks back to his own panic attack, how all he wanted was to be told it’d be okay, though he didn’t know what would _be_ okay.

"What's up?" Hyunwoo plops into the chair across from Kihyun, who's way too many posts deep into a mental health awareness Instagram page.

Kihyun looks up at him. "Hm?"

"You're weird." Hyunwoo peels his banana, takes half of it in one go. Kihyun frowns.

"What do you know about depression?"

Hyunwoo’s expression doesn't shift. Not that anything ever really fazes him, ever. Hyunwoo is the definition of zen. The definition of _chill_. It always looks like he has no thoughts going through his head when there's a thousand things running through there. Kihyun has known Hyunwoo long enough to know that his question is not being pondered.

"I need to tell you something."

"Hm," Kihyun looks down at his phone again.

"The first day you came through that door—" he points to the front door. The front door that's technically the back door. Kihyun hates this apartment. It's weird. Their kitchen is at an angle and Hyungwon and Wonho’s room has a slanted ceiling. Wonho says it's cute and aesthetic, but Hyungwon is the tallest bitch out of all of them and Kihyun knows the bitch has to have hit his head on it before. "Not the very first day, but the day you came through talking about a boy," Hyunwoo is awkward. Blunt and awkward. It's charming. Watching him _be_ between an obnoxious and easily flustered Jooheon and a super loud and flamboyant Minhyuk is a treat. "I was so fucking confused. I couldn't figure out if you were gay, bi, maybe curious?"

Kihyun slinks guiltily back into his seat. Yeah. He never mentioned the bisexual thing to his friends. Never. Yikes, to all that internalized homophobia.

"It was my first not-a-date date with Changkyun." The day they went to the taverns and a little bell went off in Kihyun’s head, telling him to invite his super obvious super flustered classmate in for a fuck. Then it backfired.

"Yeah, and you said you almost got some dick, and that was the first time I'd ever heard anything of it ever. The you liking men, thing." Hyunwoo narrows his gaze. “And then you got all shut out.”

Back when he realized things were possibly happening with Changkyun, when he expressed frustration at home, in front of the others, he shut them out, at first. It was Wonho that approached him, all eager eyed at the prospect of bisexual Kihyun. But it was Hyunwoo that literally cornered him, back to his bedroom door, and said, _‘since when do you like dick?’_

“Thank you for…” Kihyun winces and looks down at his blackened phone screen. One of the best parts of his relationship with Hyunwoo is they were never feelings oriented. They could rely on each other to bounce ideas off of and to run through hypotheticals that they both knew weren’t actual hypotheticals, but Kihyun never had to get all soft and sweet with Hyunwoo. Changkyun, on the other hand, feeds off it, and he gives Kihyun such an open and inviting space to do it in that Kihyun does fall into it.

“Yeah.” Hyunwoo smiles a bit. “I really like Changkyun. He brought out the best in you. I like the you that you've grown into.” Hyunwoo continues, leaning back in his chair. He’s gotten a lot more glow-y since dating Minhyuk and Jooheon. Honestly, Kihyun loves this for him. They haven’t talked much about how Hyunwoo ended up in the middle of those two bozos, but thinking back to their time leading up to the polyamory announcement, Hyunwoo fit himself right in there rather quickly and seamlessly. Kihyun doesn’t think twice about it. They make sense.

“Yeah. I guess I’m in love with him.” Kihyun tries to play it off like a joke, but it means… a lot to him. He always knew he’d find someone, and that he’d be loyal, a good boyfriend, a good husband — _oh_ , that’s a word he hasn’t thought about in a long time — but Kihyun is in love with Changkyun. That’s more than just being happy and content. Kihyun can’t believe there was a time when he didn’t think he’d find someone he’d love so much. It's kind of sad, to think, that he used to be so okay with the idea of just settling.

“How’s it with the two clowns?” Kihyun nudges their conversation in another direction.

“A circus.”

Kihyun covers his mouth with his hand. “That bad?”

“They’re insufferable. Every day is exhausting.” Hyunwoo goes all gooey and fond. “I love them both. Can’t wait to ask them about moving in together.”

Kihyun groans and slinks back in his seat, sinks really low in the chair. “I haven’t asked Kyunnie yet.”

“Ask him.”

Kihyun groans, hears Flynn come in from the other room. “I will.”

“Their lease ends soon. Why are you waiting?”

Flynn bumps his head against Kihyun’s hand, and Kihyun opens his fingers to scratch at the little dog’s head. “Hey, buddy, how was your nap?” Flynn looks up at him, eyes sleepy and ears droopy. Kihyun smiles and gets under his chin, until Hyunwoo comes over and picks Flynn up. Flynn doesn’t mind when Hyunwoo grabs him like that, his tail wags.

“Tell Changkyun we want to move in together.” Hyunwoo makes his voice all high and squeaky, speaking through Flynn. “Tell him the plans. And get him a weighted blanket for the depression.”

* * *

Even his mother asks about it.

“How did Changkyun take the news?”

Dongwon slips into frame. Kihyun tries to change the subject, “Dad, I like your new glasses.”

“Not important.” Nawoon flaps her hand, Dongwon at least looks a little offended. Kihyun laughs. They seem to have gotten more comfortable around each other, and he doesn’t know how or when it happened, but it’s really nice. His parents were never very loving to each other growing up, very polite and cordial, it was pretty sad. But now they’re sweet. Dongwon bought her flowers for her birthday last week, and called Kihyun asking for his opinion. Before that, Kihyun can't remember the last time Dongwon bought his wife flowers.

“I haven’t… brought it up to Changkyun yet.”

Nawoon frowns, “Of course he’ll say yes!” Dongwon hasn’t caught up on what they’re talking about, and looks confused.

Before he can stop himself, Kihyun opens his big mouth, “We’ve only been together two and a half years isn’t that moving too —” _Fast_? Is he really having this conversation with his parents?

“Oh the rent thing.” Dongwon catches on, nods. “Changkyun’s smart, he’ll know that putting the seven of you under one roof is the most financially responsible thing you can do.”

“Changkyun thinks a little more with his heart than his brain, dad.”

“Well, after two years, I hope his heart is singing, you know,” Nawoon hums a little tune and it clicks in Dongwon’s head faster than it does Kihyun’s. Dongwon nods, in agreement, and Kihyun’s brain struggles to place where the tune is from —

It’s the wedding march. Kihyun reels, almost immediately hangs up.

“O-Oh, my God.”

“Look what you did, honey,” Dongwon starts, and Nawoon tsks,

“Be a man. Your father and I dated for a year and a half before he proposed.”

“Oh, my God.” Kihyun has to put his phone down and put a hand over his heart. _Marriage_?

“Isn’t that legal there, anyway?” Nawoon keeps talking. “You can become an American citizen. Isn’t that how that works?”

“Look at him, you’ve scared him.”

Kihyun buries his face in his hands. “Mom. Please.” He almost says _shut up_. His heart’s just jumping around in his chest. Screaming. His heart’s screaming. “This is a lot.”

The memory he has of his father confronting it when he came out, disbelieving, refusing to believe it, is a bad, far off memory. When Kihyun first came to the U.S his mother called him after he landed, called a day later to ask how he was, and then radio silence for two weeks. It was mortifying, Kihyun thought that was the end, that he’d never speak to his parents again, that they were letting him go, because he’s bisexual. The messages started back up, eventually. And for a while Kihyun was angry, felt abandoned, felt jealous every time Changkyun talked about Ali and Bruce. But when he went to Korea, reconnected, face to face, when his parents cut him a cake and tried to understand — Kihyun almost says _I love you_ to his parents. They’re not quite there. Though Kihyun’s thinking it, feeling it, and smiling about it. They went from strangers, to his parents, supporting him to the point of supporting him getting married to another man.

“How is he doing, anyway? Has he found a new car?”

Bless Dongwon for swerving the conversation.

* * *

The reviews for the weighted blanket are awesome, thanks Hyunwoo. So Kihyun buys one, and shows up to Changkyun’s place with the thing like led in his hands.

“I got you something!”

Changkyun blinks at him. His hair is greasy. He hasn’t washed it. Kihyun hasn’t seen him in three days. Normally Changkyun would be calling him screaming, demanding attention and cuddles.

“What is it? What did I miss? Did I miss an occasion? An anniversary?!” It’s March. He didn’t miss anything. Changkyun bends over to take the gift. Kihyun even wrapped it. So when Changkyun nearly topples over, not expecting the gift to be so heavy, Kihyun can’t help but grin.

All the long-winded frilly and sugar toned shit Kihyun read about being in a relationship with someone struggling with mental illness said this: Just support them as they go through it. Kihyun can do that. He’s been doing that. Changkyun, incredibly intelligent, incredibly amicable, incredibly approachable, could give some of his struggles to Kihyun. Kihyun will help him carry it.

They go to the nearest flat surface; the coffee table, and Changkyun stares at the box. Kihyun ordered it online and wrapped it with shiny silver wrapping paper.

“What the fuck did you get me?”

Kihyun just gestures to the package. “Open it.”

Changkyun is so cute, he opens the gift by peeling it at the corners where the tape is. He stares at the cardboard box, uses a nail to peel the tape, and stares into it. Kihyun peeks over, he hasn’t actually seen the thing yet.

It looks like a blanket. It doesn’t look like it weighs as much as it does.

“Is this a weighted blanket?” Changkyun runs his fingers over the red fabric. Kihyun thought it was a nice color.

“Yeah, yeah,” Kihyun shoves Changkyun towards the bathroom. “Take a shower, and try it.”

He changes the bedsheets, knows where Changkyun keeps all his things, (knows because he did most of the organization when Changkyun and Minhyuk moved into this place,) and spreads the blanket out over Changkyun’s bed. Changkyun comes in after about twenty minutes, blow dries his hair into a fluffy mess on his head, and stands next to Kihyun to stare at it. He lets Kihyun shove him into the bed, then tuck him in, placing the blankets up to his chin.

“How’s it feel?” Kihyun stands on the side of the bed as Changkyun squirms under the blanket.

“Heavy.”

“Is it too heavy?’

“No.” Changkyun wiggles, curls into a ball. “It’s kinda nice.” Kihyun climbs over the bed, then reconsiders. He stands on the bed, hovering over Changkyun.

Kihyun isn't really thinking, so much as _doing_ , and Changkyun looks really fucking confused until Kihyun bends a little to shift his weight and Changkyun pieces together whats happening. His screams cut as Kihyun belly flops on top of him, winding the both of them.

"Oh what the _fuck_ ," Changkyun grumbles, wheezing for a breath as Kihyun scoops his arms under his head. His chest hit Changkyun’s shoulder, it _hurts_. He's winded. This next breath burns. But Changkyun buries his face in the pillow and he bursts into giggles, tries to roll over and Kihyun is grinning, holding on tight, so, so happy to hear Changkyun’s amused snorting.

"Better?"

Changkyun puts a hand in his face and shoves. But Kihyun only clings more.

"You almost killed me."

"But do you feel better?"

"Yeah, you winded the sad out."

Kihyun kisses his face. "I'm glad I could help."

"You winded all the oxygen out of my lungs, too— "

"Not important."

"Yeah I totally don't need to breathe." Changkyun looks at him, all smiley and cute. "You're my air." He gets all melodramatic, brings a hand up to cup Kihyun’s face. His hands are always so warm. "My lifeforce."

Kihyun leans in to kiss him, blows a raspberry against his face. It's payback for all the times Changkyun has done it against his leg.

"Stop!" But Changkyun is giggling, screaming obnoxiously, and Kihyun cages him in and puts his mouth to Changkyun’s neck — " _Nooooo_!!" — And blows another raspberry.

* * *

**chingus**

Changkyun:  
LOOK AT HIM  
EVERYONE STOP WHAT THE FUCK YOURE DOING  


loooOOOOOOOOK  
HERE HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!  
❗❗❗❗❗❗❗  
❗❗❗❗LOVE OF MY LIFE❗❗❗❗❗

Kihyun:  
I'm actually not sorry he's like this

Hyungwon:  
OOOH  
Ur mans is kinda cute

Minhyuk:  
I'm looking!!!!  
I SEE A SWEET BAB

Jooheon:  
omg give him a lil smooch for me

Changkyun:  
IM GIVING HIM A SMOOCH FROM EVERYONE

Jooheon:  
SMOOCHIES

Wonho:  
aweeee he babie

Hyunwoo:  
I am watching changkyun Strangle this poor man  
He says "this is how i love"

Hyungwon:  
Deserved

Kihyun:  
Why do you all compliment me like I'm a dog

Minhyuk:  
Because you're fucken cute

Changkyun:  
He acts like he doesn't like it  
But he does

Kihyun:  
I am not a babie

Jooheon:  
Yes you are

Kihyun:  
How????

Minhyuk:  
Because you are

Kihyun:  
HOW

Hyungwon:  
You're not winning this just accept it

Hyunwoo:  
He just said "I am a manly man"  
Like with real words that he voluntarily said out loud

Kihyun:  
Fuck you

Hyunwoo:  
Yeah I know I heard you

Wonho:  
Yeah sorry Ki you're babie  
Can I borrow that sweater 👁👁

* * *

Today’s the day of the big reveal. Changkyun texted Kihyun an hour or so ago, said that he did it. The car’s his. But he didn’t send any photos, didn’t even say what make or model it is. Kihyun can already imagine the punch buggy rolling around the corner. He’ll sit in the backseat with a bag over his head. That’s the only way he’ll be seen in that car; without being seen. Kihyun thinks cars should be heavy, sexy, he doesn’t care if Changkyun makes fun of him, tells him his “heterosexual side” is showing. Candie, though beat the fuck up, was a strong representation of how grounded Changkyun is. Reliable, sturdy. Because even though it was a model from the last decade, even though it was rusted around the wheels and was missing a hub cap and had a few scratches and dings, Changkyun put a lot of heart into that car. Kihyun felt it when he first got into Candie; the stained seats had clearly been scrubbed, Changkyun had a box of wipes in the backseat, because Changkyun took care of the car the way it took care of him. And all Kihyun can think about is how it looked at the junkyard, mangled and beaten.

It’s just a car, and Kihyun and Ali had not understood the tears in the moment, but Kihyun thinks he understands it, now. He feels suddenly very bad for Candie, because he has so many memories in the car, too, and it put in its’ all until the very last minute.

This sentimental feeling over a hunk of metal is Changkyun’s influence.

Kihyun’s coworker, Andrea, taps gently on his arm.

“You need a ride?”

“Ah, no, my boyfriend’s coming to pick me up.” Kihyun smiles at her. He’s accepted a ride a few times from her, but she gets flirty with him and he doesn’t feel like dealing with it. A few times he’s playfully responded to her sly comments, but he always creates distance when she gets too close. She’s too close right now, so Kihyun takes a step back and checks his phone. Changkyun texted him half hour ago, traffic shouldn’t be that bad. He should be here by, well, now.

Andrea hangs out for a second, chewing on words that Kihyun can’t even begin to guess what they’d be. “Want me to wait with you?”

“No it’s okay, you go home.” Kihyun gives her a smile and checks the time on his phone. “Do you have to pick Liam up from school?”

“Yeah, in a little bit.” She sounds like she’s going to say something else, but instead says, “See you tomorrow.” Andrea gives Kihyun a small smile, stepping away. The parking lot isn’t very big, just barely big enough to fit all the staff vehicles, and Kihyun keeps an eye on her until she makes it to her car. See, she drives a Chevy Malibu, a perfect, practical car for a single mother of one.

A Mazda pulls up in front of Kihyun. See, a Mazda would be nice. The newer sedan’s are very pretty, solid and sleek looking. This car is red, too, a deep cherry, Changkyun would like —

The driver's side opens and Changkyun’s head pops up over the roof of the car. He leans on it, presses his lips together in that coquettish smile that shows off his dimples, and waves with his fingers.

Kihyun blinks. Stunned. Changkyun bought a deep red Mazda 6.

“Er,” He mumbles unintelligently, barely hearing Juan’s passing,

"Buenas noches, Ki!"

Juan’s a good boy. Kihyun likes him. But all Juan gets is a lame wave in return. Kihyun peers over at Changkyun from the hood of the car, and Changkyun opens his arms as if presenting it.

“Thoughts?”

“Oh.” Is all Kihyun can say, curling his fingers into the door handle. He slips into the bucket seats, oh they’re leather. The door shuts with such a satisfactory muffled thud. The dashboard is clean, there’s already Starbucks in the cupholder, Kihyun already knows the iced latte is his. Changkyun drops back into the driver’s seat and one of the best things about Changkyun driving is the way his left arm flexes when he drives. The car is a sedan but Changkyun fills the space with his broad shoulders so nicely. Oh, he looks good.

Changkyun leans over, carefully reading what Kihyun assumes to be everything he’s feeling written over his face.

“Babe, isn't she pretty? I can't fucking believe I got approved, and she's a whole ten years newer than Candie…"

The way Changkyun’s deep voice fills the cabin. It didn’t do that in Candie. Candie always sounded like she had a window open. Which she did. The back window was always open, Changkyun always had to keep rolling the window up because something was loose and the glass kept falling but he said he’d rather sell his soul than pay whatever the fuck it would cost to fix it.

“Hey babe?”

Changkyun definitely notices the way Kihyun shivers at the sound of his voice. Kihyun’s not even a little teeny bit shy about his attraction to Changkyun, and he does kind of lose his mind when Changkyun notices and capitalizes. It’s so incredibly sexy when he gets confident. Changkyun should always be confident, always feel good. He has every reason to be.

“Are you turned on by a car?”

 _No_. How does he salvage this?

“By you.” Because it’s not the car that’s making Kihyun crazy, it’s the way Changkyun looks in it.

“I think the car is playing —”

“Your shoulders look so big, and your legs…” He sweeps his gaze over Changkyun’s body. He loves when Changkyun wears jeans. Sweatpants are baggy, even joggers, though joggers show off his ass better than regular sweatpants. But in jeans? Everything’s tight, and Changkyun’s thighs look so thick.

Kihyun looks back up at Changkyun, and sees that the teasing look is wiped away. His jaw is tight and he has the corner of his lower lip tucked under his pretty white teeth, and if Kihyun gives in to this, security will have footage of him climbing into his boyfriends lap in his new car — well, used, Changkyun didn’t go get something brand new off the lot, but it’s new to him. So it’s new.

“We’re…” Changkyun rethinks his next words. “Can we at least go for a ride before climbing in the backseat and getting it all messy?”

For some reason, that makes Kihyun smile. He grins and leans over to press a kiss to Changkyun’s cheek. They don’t have to get anything messy. He can behave.

“Where to?”

“Oh, dunno. I didn’t think that far.”

“What about that drive-in movie place…?”

Changkyun glances at the time. “You wanna do that? Are they playing anything tonight?”

“Let me check.” Kihyun stares at Changkyun’s hand, watching it move from the gear stick, to the radio, to put the heat down, and then comes over to settle on his thigh. Nice. Kihyun shifts sideways, bends his leg a little, and Changkyun’s hands slips lower, closer to his crotch.

They park in the back of the lot and don’t even watch the movie, Changkyun tells him what it was like at the dealership, the other cars he looked at, how he did take Kihyun’s advice about “features” when he made his decision. Kihyun listens, rubs it in his face a little that his advice was good, and it’s nice, seeing that Changkyun’s dark circles are clearer now, his acne looks treated, dull, like he’s been putting serum on the dark spots.

Kihyun smacks a loud kiss on the side of his neck and Changkyun gets giggly.

“I’m proud of you.” He says, not expecting the size of Changkyun’s grin. It makes him feel all warm, too.

* * *

Changkyun hums against his mouth, Kihyun runs his hands back down Changkyun’s sides, grips his ass and pulls him in, and Changkyun rocks with the motion. It's slow and addicting, and Kihyun whines at the slow wave of pressure against his dick. He doesn't want to fuck on the couch, though that might change if Changkyun keeps grinding against him like this. Kihyun’s getting hard, hands moving — Changkyun jumps, bumps their foreheads together and accidentally pinches Kihyun's front lip between their teeth. It hurts, sharp and fast, and Kihyun jerks back, hands stilling on Changkyun’s waist. Changkyun, who had been sitting in his lap, feet over the edge of the couch, now has one leg pulled up on the couch in a position that does not look comfortable. He looks absolutely bewildered, a little offended. Kihyun follows his gaze to see Flynn on the floor, staring up at him, stubby tail wagging.

"What just happened?" Kihyun looks between the two, stunned by the buzzing silence.

Changkyun stands up. Just stands. Stares down at Flynn. Flynn stares back. Kihyun can almost taste the apprehension in the room and pulls his feet up onto the couch, weary of the Mexican stand off happening between his boyfriend and dog.

"You little fucker." Changkyun points at Flynn, who does a little _taptaptaptap_ with his paws and a little rumbly warning noise.

Kihyun has no idea what caused this tension. He puts a hand over his throbbing upper lip. This is gonna swell.

"I have a theory." Changkyun is speaking to Kihyun but staring down at Flynn, who growls faintly again. "Shut up." Now Changkyun’s talking to the dog.

Flynn barks once.

“Don’t sass me!”

Flynn barks again, throws his head with it.

"You know Hocus Pocus?"

Kihyun blinks. "No."

Changkyun looks offended in his direction, now. "What the fuck why." But then he waves his hand. "Nevermind that's a Halloween problem." Kihyun doesn't know what that means. "Flynn’s a man stuck in a dog’s body.”

Kihyun stares at him. What.

“He’s an annoying little twink stuck in a dog’s body, cursed by witches, and one of these days he’s gonna break the curse and he’ll be a human again and he's going to take you from me." Changkyun squats down to the floor and leans over to hover menacingly over Flynn. And Flynn loses it, barking, yapping. He does this thing that Kihyun has only ever seen him do at Changkyun, once at Hyungwon, where he presses his front paws together and pushes. It's his little doggy way of saying he's stressed. Changkyun really stresses him out, especially when he and Kihyun are together.

"Did I figure out your little secret you jealous little shit?”

Flynn barks.

But Kihyun still has no idea what caused all this. "What's even happening?"

"He licked my foot! This little fucker _licked_ my _foot_!!" Changkyun retreats down the hall, and Flynn scampers after him, barking. “What the fuck do you want from me!”

Kihyun is hysterical, can’t get any words out, because Changkyun and Flynn are, quite literally, yelling at each other.

“You only want my attention when I've got Kihyun's!"

Flynn barks back.

"I’m going to punt you, you football looking little fuck! You cockblocking little shit!"

Flynn barks a whole bunch, and Changkyun comes back into the living room, this time wearing socks, and Kihyun is holding his stomach, laughing, _sobbing_. He wants to feel bad when Changkyun plops on the other couch, cross-armed and huffy, but then Flynn comes and climbs into Kihyun’s lap, staring over at Changkyun on the other couch as if, _I won_ , and Changkyun looks _livid_ , and Kihyun is crying into his hands.

Once his laughter settles into little bouts of giggles, Kihyun lifts Flynn into his arms and goes to the other couch, curls up apologetically in Changkyun’s lap. He holds Flynn up to Changkyun’s face.

“Say you’re sorry.”

“I’m not —“

“I meant Flynn.”

“Oh.”

Flynn’s tail and ears lay flat. Changkyun blinks at him. Flynn growls a little, his tail slowly wagging. Changkyun squints at him. Flynn yips. Changkyun barks back. That’s it for Flynn, he wriggles until Kihyun lets him go, and he pitters away and Kihyun can’t stop fucking cackling.

“What did you say to him?”

“I called him a dumb bitch.”

Kihyun wraps his arms around Changkyun’s waist and buries his face into his chest.

“You’re so stupid.” He means it with every bit of affection he can muster, and he knows Changkyun knows that.

* * *

A few nights later they go out, just be out of the house, to get some ice cream and sit in the parking lot. Changkyun has been tense all day, a little short. Kihyun knows it’s because he wants to talk, so Kihyun doesn’t pressure at all, but has an idea of where this is going.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you, the morning after I called you.”

Kihyun had been too lost and confused in the moment to be bothered by it.

“It’s fine. I get it. I… The only understanding I really have of it, anxiety, is that one time.” Kihyun frowns as he remembers the way it felt like his stomach acid climbed up his throat, “And that time I was a kid.” the way it felt when he was underwater, as a child, when he resurfaced, gasping for air, sputtering up water, unable to get a lungful of air. When everything burned; his chest, his throat, his limbs.

“When you almost drowned?” Changkyun asks softly.

“Yeah.”

“I’ve never almost drowned.” Changkyun glances down at his lap, his bangs falling down over his eyes. He’s so pretty. He looks so soft in the dim street lights.

“I’m guessing that’s what anxiety feels like.”

“Like… you know when you’re going down the stairs, and you’re not paying attention? And you think you’re gonna miss a step? Or you don’t realise how steep one of the steps is? And you think you’re gonna fall and break your neck?”

Kihyun blinks. Yes, actually. There’s a huge gap between the last step and the ground at the multi-family he lives in. He almost killed himself a thousand times on that step until he got used to it. He actually gets confused at other staircases when there’s no gap at the end, and swears he has almost broken an ankle.

“Like at your place.” Changkyun looks at him, and Kihyun laughs a bit, because that’s his exact train of thought.

“Exactly what I was thinking.”

He can hear Changkyun go, _mind_ _telepathy_ , and he smiles like he’s thinking it. Kihyun knows that being able to read the fine print in each other’s expressions and words and tone just means they spend a lot of time together, and know each other, not that they’re telepathic. He knows Changkyun knows this, too. It’s the result of being a couple that pays attention to each other, but he likes how that feels; that he and Changkyun are so in tune they can actually read each other’s minds. It’s really cute.

“That’s what anxiety feels like. But like, all the time.”

Kihyun just nods slowly. He kind of gets it, though that panic attack he had once only lasted a few moments. He can’t imagine feeling like that for more than a few seconds.

“And it’s… like…” Changkyun struggles with his words. Kihyun waits, playing with the cone wrapping. “I feel nothing, but my body’s heavy. And my head buzzes. And I feel… alone. And pathetic, and sometimes I...” Changkyun holds his wrist. Kihyun doesn’t think he understands what that means.

Kihyun has said, _you can call me_ , a thousand times. Sometimes, he used to leave it at that. Now he knows Changkyun won’t, and he knows it’s not because Changkyun doesn’t want to, it’s because Changkyun can’t. There’s something in him that won’t.

“I thought things were gonna be worse after Junghoon.”

“I’m so proud of you.” Kihyun means it, and he knows it means a lot to Changkyun. Changkyun tenses up a bit, looks down and scrapes his spoon against the styrofoam cup, scooping up as much ice cream and M&M’s and fudge as he can.

“It’s… it’s weird. Like. He was really shitty.”

Yeah, Kihyun hates the guy, and all he knows is stories.

“But we don’t need him, even though, sometimes,” Changkyun’s voice tightens, and he gestures around his head. “There’s this little fucker whispering in my ear sometimes and it’s him. It’s his voice. He was always so angry and loud. Bruce is loud, but it’s not — it’s not that angry loud. Like Junghoon was.” Changkyun shakes his head a little, pulls his shoulders back in a way that tells Kihyun he’s trying to shake it off. "I dunno, I saw him and got angry but then realized I don't care. I don’t care about him."

“I think you handled it really well.” Kihyun thinks it says a lot about how Changkyun has grown as a person if he can walk away from a huge, awful memory and leave it at that. He feels bad for Daisy, innocent in the middle of it all.

“Handled it,” Changkyun scoffs, voice and gaze lowering way down. “Then I spiraled into one of the worse depressive episodes I’ve had in a long time. I really don’t remember the last time it got so bad.”

Kihyun clenches his jaw and stares at Changkyun, chest pulling. The words are like sandpaper against his skin.

“Kyun…”

He doesn’t know what to say.

“It’s not like I’m...” Changkyun pushes his hair back, presses his face into his palms. “I don’t hurt myself. Not anymore. But... I hadn’t gotten that bad in years so… I’m sorry. I’m sorry I dumped that shit on you.”

“I can’t… pretend to understand. But I will do whatever I can to make you feel more comfortable. I am here for you. I’d run to your house whenever, it doesn’t matter what time it is.” There are moments when Kihyun is reminded of how different he and Changkyun are. The anxiety and depression being number one, but their lives are completely opposite. Their relationships with their parents, their friends, classmate stories; it’s so different. Changkyun has a lot of his mother’s Korean traditions in him, so Changkyun adapts well whenever he interacts with Kihyun’s family, is seamless in code switching. Kihyun feels like, before, he surrounded himself with people that mostly lived in a very similar bubble to him. He saw the world through one lens. Meeting all these new people, making all these new friends, has broadened his views. He thinks Changkyun’s been the biggest influence on him. How else would he have become so confident in himself? How else would he have made the decision to stay? He really thinks that seeing Changkyun interact with Ali was what made him reach out to his mother the way he did.

He sees so much in Changkyun. He hopes, one day, Changkyun will see it, too.

“You don’t have to understand. Everything you do instead is more than enough.” Changkyun says, and Kihyun looks up at him, his small smile, that gentle look in his eyes that Kihyun relaxes into.

“You know that saying, ‘You’re my rock’?”

Changkyun frowns. “It’s a cliche.” He's not good with those.

“You know that’s what you are to me though, right? My anchor.” Kihyun doesn’t let his gaze waiver. He knows Changkyun gets weird under the attention, sees it in how Changkyun shifts his shoulders, trying to make them smaller. But Kihyun means it. “Baby… You made me want to reach back out to my parents, you made me comfortable with who I am, you’ve made me more comfortable with how I express it, more confident, more aware of myself.” Kihyun’s already told Changkyun this, but, “I figured it out when I was young. Middle school. I looked at boys the way I looked at girls. Which was so weird for a kid to do when I didn’t even know what gay was. All I knew was, I wanted to kiss boys.”

Changkyun was older than him when he figured it out. Changkyun had a harder time with it than Kihyun did.

“But even though I really liked boys, I figured out, super young, too, that my parents did not like it. I got in trouble for holding the other boys’ hands, and trying to kiss them, and I shoved it down for so fucking long.” He’s told Changkyun this before, they’ve talked about this, but Changkyun looks at him like it’s the first time all over again. “That even when I met other people that were cool with it, and dated guys, I couldn’t express it. I couldn’t let myself express it. And now I have…” Kihyun thinks about Pride. “I know where I want to be,” _here, I want a future here, in Boston, with you_ , “I have that bi-pride flag on my desk. And I don’t think twice about telling people I have a boyfriend, when a couple of years ago the word itself scared the shit out of me. My Instagram looks like an Im Changkyun fanpage.”

A huge smile breaks Changkyun’s expression. “Remember when I turned one of your selfies into a photocard and stuck it in my phone?”

“Yeah, and by the end of the Red Velvet concert I had like a hundred new followers because you kept giving fans my handle.” He isn’t mad about it, but he huffs, smiles as Changkyun laughs.

“I live for the attention.”

“I’ll never repeat this so make sure you’re paying attention.” Kihyun points at Changkyun, and Changkyun perks up, “I thought it was super fucking cute of you.”

Changkyun moves much more freely now, less tense. “Girls kept asking me if you were some K-Pop idol, and when I’d tell them you were my boyfriend they wouldn’t believe me and would be like, _oh my god_ ,” His voice goes all high, and Kihyun laughs, “ _That’s so cute. But which group is he from_?”

And then he’d go to Kihyun and introduce him like he was some celebrity. He can’t believe Changkyun was so proud to have him.

Kihyun sighs and opens his arms, “Come here.”

It’s incredible, how Changkyun manages to make himself so small in Kihyun’s lap. They shouldn’t be able to fit in the front seat of Changkyun’s car but with Changkyun’s feet in the drivers seat and his face buried in Kihyun’s neck, they make it work. They have to wriggle a little so Changkyun can wrap his arms around Kihyun’s waist, and they settle. Kihyun’s rather comfortable. He closes his eyes. He could fall asleep here.

“I’m so sorry I’m so needy.”

They balance like a scale; when one tips too much, the other has to carry more weight and bring them back. It’s not always even, and that’s okay.

“You know I like that you’re needy.” He presses his face into Changkyun’s hair. Neither of them say anything for a long moment. “My little dragon rising from the steam.”

Changkyun smiles, says the idiom back in Korean and Kihyun grins back at him.

“Yep, that one.”

“I don’t know what I do to make you think so highly of me.”

Kihyun presses his lips to Changkyun’s forehead. “You’re not afraid to express yourself. You’re brave, you’re smart,” He feels Changkyun squirm, a little uncomfortable under the praise, “You’re so strong, Changkyun-ah. You’re one of the strongest people I know. And it’s okay that you get sad sometimes, just don’t forget that I’m here.”

He feels Changkyun’s hand tighten around the side of his shirt.

“I love you so much.”

“Thank — wait, sorry,”

Kihyun can feel Changkyun’s blush against his skin.

“That was weird. That was a weird thing to say after I love you, I meant — “

“I love you.”

Changkyun pauses. “Yeah. That’s what I mean. I love you, too.”

Kihyun sits, unrushed, holding Changkyun so long he thinks Changkyun could be asleep. He doesn’t know if what he said helped make Changkyun feel better, but he hopes the words stick, that even when Changkyun gets to a dark place, he knows that Kihyun’s here. That’s all Kihyun can do. Support him.

“Did you name the Mazda?”

Changkyun snuggles up against him. “I have an adult car, because I’m an adult. Do adults name their cars?”

“Dunno,” Kihyun shrugs. “But you’re Changkyun, and you name your cars.”

“Is that… a sarcastic comment?”

“No.”

Changkyun narrows his gaze at him, Kihyun throws a hand in the air.

“I swear! I think it’s cute.”

Changkyun plops his head back down on Kihyun’s chest. “What if I named her Cherry?”

“With an I, E?”

Kihyun loves it when Changkyun looks at him the way he’s looking right now. Starry-eyed and happy, full of joy.

“Yeah,” He says slowly, a grin spreading over his face. Kihyun needs to kiss him. So he does. “Cherrie. With an I, E.” 

* * *

Kihyun lays his textbook over his face and closes his eyes. He can’t read anymore. He can’t read. Fuck science. The words swim, blend together, he has a dull throb happening in between his eyes. He thought that getting the physical textbook would help his concentration over the downloadable version. He thinks it’s helped. A little. Except his arms hurt from holding it up over his head. It probably doesn’t help that he’s in bed. He’s in Changkyun’s bed, and his brain associates Changkyun’s bed with sleep. Ugh, a good sleep. That’s what he needs right now. A dead sleep. Once Changkyun gets here and they spoon, it’s lights out. It’s close to midnight. It’s past Kihyun’s bedtime. His brain is fighting him. This chapter reading is not happening tonight.

He hears the door open, hears Changkyun go, “Oh, that’s a mood.”

The bed shifts, and Changkyun sits right on his crotch. Kihyun grunts, relaxes into Changkyun’s touch, his big hands running up Kihyun’s side, over his chest, and then back down. Oh, that feels good. Changkyun’s hands run back up, then down his arms. Kihyun can already feel his muscles relax. He reaches up to lift his textbook off his face, is met with the visual of Changkyun shirtless, in a collar, and drops the book right back on his face. It doesn’t hurt, but the shock wakes him up a little. Kihyun lifts the textbook and his throat kind of seizures around a word, it comes out a wounded, winded _nuuugh_. Whatever that means.

Changkyun has his hair unstyled, falling over his forehead, fluffy. He has a smudge of red on his lips, his cheeks, and his lips curl into a devilish smirk and Kihyun’s eyes are everywhere, trying to take it all in so fast he can’t take any of it in.

They’ve brought this collar out before, it’s a set with the harness, has a metal ring hanging off for the hooks to be clasped on. The heart-shaped dog-tag says ‘Brat.’ Changkyun’s shirtless. Even without the red lipstain and collar, Changkyun’s definition is enough to make Kihyun simp. He’s solid, has the faint trace abs, and his biceps make Kihyun make that wounded, winded _nuuugh_ sound again.

And then there’s no sounds, no air, as he looks down, processes that the fabric billowing around his waist is a skirt. That’s a skirt. Changkyuns in a skirt. Changkyun’s wearing a skirt. His pretty, slim little waist is fitted into a black pleated skirt. It’s pleated. It’s a skirt. Changkyun’s sitting in his lap and wearing a skirt.

Is studying making him hallucinate? Did he really lose his brain somewhere?

“You good there big boy?” Changkyun smirks. He knows. He knows how absolutely mental he makes Kihyun. It makes Kihyun even crazier knowing that Changkyun knows he owns his ass. A confident Changkyun is going to send Kihyun right into the sun.

"Umm." Kihyun looks from the skirt — skirt!!!!! — up to Changkyun’s face. He's going to _eat_ him.

Changkyun sits upright, on his hips, and smiles. Kihyun's gut coils, and Changkyun rolls his hips. Steady. So Kihyun can feel the pressure rolling over his dick. All Kihyun’s wearing is a pair of boxers but it’s way too much fabric. Kihyun’s dick responds eagerly. To think he'd been tired only seconds ago. Changkyun’s way too good with his hips for Kihyun to be able to focus on anything else.

"You've been studying so much." Changkyun’s voice so fucking low its almost unintelligible. "Take a break and fuck me."

Kihyun sets his hands on Changkyun waist. The fabric bunches as he grips him, then runs his hands underneath, on Changkyun’s bare skin. He grips Changkyun’s ass, where it’s meatiest, pulls his cheeks apart and grips him, and Changkyun lets out a breathy sound, tipping his head back. He has the collar on, a skirt, but with everything that’s happened these past two weeks — these past two weeks have been _a lot_ , Kihyun’s tired, Kihyun doesn’t think kinky is where they are. He runs his hands up Changkyun’s side, looks at him, knows the tenderness is all over his expression because Changkyun leans forward but not to kiss him, just to be closer.

“What’cha thinkin’ about?”

“You,” It’s cliche and sappy, but. It makes Changkyun soften up.

“What about me?” It’s not meant to be taken sexually, Changkyun didn’t take it like that, and neither did Kihyun. He pushes Changkyun’s bangs out of his face; looks at his dark circles, that aren’t so deep and bruised. He’s sleeping again. His eyes are clearer. His hair is washed and fluffy, he smells like a soft green, like a garden of wildflowers, clean and fresh. Kihyun loves how Changkyun smells. It’s not masculine, like the scents that Kihyun likes on himself, woodsy and dark, cedar and ambers, browns in the sun, but Kihyun thinks it compliments him really well.

These past two weeks have been exhausting, Kihyun caught up in the storm of Changkyun’s chaotic life, trying to reel Changkyun back, give him shelter, that settling into his arms and presence and soft smells just shifts the mood away from the choker and skirt.

“You know I’ve got you, right?”

Changkyun sits back, back on his haunches, and smiles. “I put on a choker and a skirt for —”

“I love you.” Kihyun appreciates it, yes. He appreciates that Changkyun gets all dolled up for him, and he knows that Changkyun likes it, too, but Kihyun… wants to show him that he’s more than just that. He doesn’t know how to say it without being super direct; which is why sometimes he has a hard time articulating himself, because some things are so simple, even when Changkyun runs into overdrive and complicates things, and Kihyun doesn’t know how to say things in so many ways.

“I love you, too.” Changkyun shifts off him, lying on his side, pressed up against Kihyun. “I’m sorry…” He drapes his arm over Kihyun’s head. “I’m sorry I’m so fucking much.”

Changkyun is a lot sometimes. But it’s not his fault. Kihyun doesn’t fault him.

“You can’t blame yourself for shit that happens out of your control.” A car accident, bumping into his useless father in the grocery store of all places, discovering he has a step-sister, his mental health spiral, none of it is Changkyun’s fault. Kihyun leans in and kisses him. When he goes to pull away, Changkyun guides him back with fingers under his chin, coaxing him back.

Kihyun knows what their friends think about them; and though he appreciates how judgement free his friends are, he and Changkyun aren't always like _that_ ; soley kinky and aggressive in bed. They can be soft; soft touches, gentle kisses, breathing in tandem. Despite being labeled the “kinkiest mother fucker” in the group, Kihyun really likes the slower nights, handjobs and lingering kisses. It doesn’t have to be wild all the time.

Especially now, that he wants that closeness, that intimacy they can have when they're like this. Soft. Sweet. Loving.

Changkyun peels Kihyun’s clothes off one by one, his hoodie coming off his head ruffles up his hair, his bangs fall forward. His boxers don’t even make it off the bed, just hanging off the side. Changkyun’s skirt gets lost in the blankets. Their touches go unhurried, re-learning, re-mapping, no rush. Kihyun’s trying to anchor Changkyun down. The way Changkyun does for him; pulls him down, holds him in place. 

Kihyun buries his face into Changkyun’s neck, the back of his ear, nose tickling against his earrings. Changkyun moans, a wide hand coming up to the back of Kihyun’s head, then trailing back down, along his spine, as far down as Changkyun can reach. Then it comes back up, two, three, fingers gliding over his skin. He does along Kihyun’s front, between his pecs, down his stomach, to his belly button, and back up, as Kihyun wets his fingers with lube. He mimics the action Changkyun does to him, leaving a wet trail down his body, between faint divots of abs. Kihyun pushes a finger into Changkyun as he bends forward to lick at his stomach, kiss his belly button. Changkyun whimpers, hands cradling Kihyun’s head.

It’s slow and meticulous; Changkyun’s legs spread, Kihyun’s mouth on his stomach, down towards his dick. Kihyun mouths at him, just plays with him, licks at Changkyun until he’s half-hard, and then swallows him down.

Kihyun is not as good at this as Changkyun is. Changkyun’s dick isn’t the biggest dick Kihyun’s had in his mouth, but it’s definitely the thickest, swallowing around it is hard. He’s gotten better, though, and he presses his tongue against the slit of Changkyun’s dick as he slides in a second finger, twisting his fingers for a bigger stretch. Changkyun’s breath cracks into two. Kihyun loves breaking him down, loves it when Changkyun loses himself.

Even after Changkyun’s prepped, Kihyun sucks him off until he comes. He peppers kisses back up Changkyun’s body, kisses the corner of his mouth, holds him gently, kisses his cheek in an _I love you_ kind of way. Changkyun grins and cuddles against him, as if saying, _I know_.

They kiss, open-mouthed and slow, Kihyun sucks on Changkyun’s lower lip, Changkyun licks into his open mouth, slow and easy. Changkyun takes a moment to breathe, to wrap his fingers around Kihyun’s dick and jerk him off until he’s hard. He gets between Changkyun’s legs, asks, “Are you ready?”

Changkyun nods, half hard again, and brings one hand down to guide Kihyun into him. Kihyun puts his hands on Changkyun’s thighs, letting Changkyun be the one to position him, angle him, and then Kihyun pushes into him, through the ring of Changkyun’s pointer and thumb. This always feels so fucking good, so warm and wet. Kihyun leans forward, looks at the way Changkyun sweats under the light, gaze flushed. Kihyun drops down on his arms, adjusts their hips and grinds into Changkyun, falls into a kiss. Changkyun pulls on him, notches his legs around Kihyun’s waist, and Kihyun waits a moment, lets Changkyun get comfortable underneath him, dick trapped between them.

“Are you good, baby?”

“I’m — yeah.” Changkyun loops both arms around Kihyun’s neck.

Kihyun finds a slow pace, deep, pulling all the way back until he’s almost slipping out, and then pushes forward, feeling everything, feeling all of Changkyun around him, underneath him. He kisses Changkyun while he fucks him; his mouth, his cheeks, his temple, his neck. Wherever. Kihyun spreads his knees and works his hips back and forth, pinning Changkyun down, tasting his sweaty skin. He wants Changkyun to feel good, feel cared for, in any way Kihyun can.

Changkyun whimpers against him, softly asks for more, and Kihyun does. He keeps his mouth on Changkyun’s skin, breathes softly against his cheek, tells him he loves him.

He closes his eyes and pants, holding back his orgasm until Changkyun finishes between them, coming with Kihyun’s name softly off his lips. And afterwards, Kihyun slips into bed next to him, closing his eyes and pressing his face into Changkyuns neck. It’s so late and Kihyun’s body is fighting him, exhausted. Thankfully it’s the weekend tomorrow, he can sleep in, though he already knows his internal clock will wake him up at seven on the dot.

“Did you…” Changkyun stops talking. Closes his eyes. Kihyun looks up at him.

“Hm?”

“Did you not like… what I was wearing?”

"You looked so pretty," Kihyun tries to keep his eyes open.

"I bought more." Changkyun says, then his eyes flutter, a little wide, like he didn't expect to say what he said. He swallows, stills for a second. He looked so good, the skirt, the choker, his nails are a nude to pink ombre, a little fake diamond on his third fingers. He's slowly getting more confident with his manicures. Kihyun loves them, his hands look so pretty.

So Kihyun takes them in his hands, intertwines their fingers, and brings Changkyun’s hands to his lips, kissing the back of each one.

"You look good in skirts — you look in anything."

"I…" Changkyun looks down. "I like wearing them."

The mood shifts. Kihyun’s brain fights exhaustion for the situation.

"Yeah…?"

There's more. Changkyun's looking down and his hands tighten slightly around Kihyun's, his lips paused around the more that Kihyun’s waiting for.

Except Changkyun seems to snap back into place, leaning in. He licks his lips, they're pretty and subtly red, Kihyun goes gaga every time Changkyun wears lipstick. But he pushes against Changkyun’s hands, getting him to stop.

"Talk to me."

It's infuriating watching Changkyun suffer. Infuriating in the sense that Kihyun wants to do something, fight these metaphorical demons, shake Changkyun until he talks and then fix all his goddamn problems. But he can't. That's not how this works. Kihyun gives all he love he can give, even if he doesn't know if he's doing it right. He trusts Changkyun to be honest with him, even if he can't fully express what's going on in his head. He trusts Changkyun to tell him if something is okay or not.

"Is there anything I can do…?"

Changkyun curls in on himself. He flops over on the bed and Kihyun rolls with him, putting a hand on his waist.

"Talk to me, baby."

Changkyun thinks he's being slick, that he's hiding all his problems, but Kihyun knows him. He has for a while now.

"Couples telepathy only goes so far." Kihyun presses their foreheads together. Changkyun hooks an arm over his neck, smiling.

"You really know me."

"I do." Kihyun squints at Changkyun, looking at that glaze in his eyes, at the way he chews the inside of his mouth. Changkyun’s formulating. His brain is working on words. It doesn't guarantee they'll make sense, but somethings happening.

"I'm…" Changkyun looks down at his nails.

Kihyun raises an eyebrow. He takes Changkyun’s hand in his and kisses his fingers.

"Do you really…" Changkyun huffs. "Do you really like that I get manicures?"

"Mhm, your hands look so pretty."

"You know… the shorts… I get them from the women's section?"

 _Huh_.

“I did know that."

"And the stockings. Those, too."

These are very interesting little tidbits of information. Kihyun decides it’s time to step in.

"Do you remember when you bought that hideous inflatable dick?"

Changkyun slaps a hand over his mouth and covers a laugh into it. "Yeah."

"And you texted me saying you had a penis, and I said I'd love you even if you didn't have one?" That hits a nerve, because Changkyun’s eyes well up with tears. Kihyun groans and sits up. This is a sitting and cuddling type of conversation. "C’mere, come on." Changkyun actually sits on his lap, facing him, and Kihyun cups his hand around Changkyun’s face. He's not letting Changkyun hear this if they aren't looking into each other's eyes.

"I love you."

Changkyun twists his face to hide it in Kihyun’s palm, and the tears come.

"I love you," Kihyun feels a burn in his chest. "No matter what." He tries to meet Changkyun’s gaze. "Baby. I don't know what's going on, totally, but you can tell me." By now he has an idea.

"I-it's not…" Changkyun’s head slips out of his hands, resting against his shoulder. "It's not… that I don't…" His hands curl around the hem of Kihyun’s sweater. "Sometimes I just feel disconnected from… _he_. From… from like, _masculine_."

Kihyun's noticed how Changkyun doesn’t give a fuck about gender norms, he's noticed it for a while now.

"It's not that I don't — fuck, my dick's fine." Changkyun huffs. "I don't know. But like I'm a still a guy and I'm cool with being a guy but I don't I feel like I see those non-binary people being androgynous and thats not who I am but I relate to…" Changkyun pulls back and buries his face in his hands. He's crying, but not hard, just a free flow of tears of frustration.

"Androgen...inity..? Andgrogen...ous?” What’s the word he’s looking for…? “I don't know what the word is but what I'm trying to say is you don't have to be the socially expected version of androgynous to be non-binary. You don't have to be the socially expected version of masculine to be masculine. Or feminine."

Changkyun sniffles, tries to wipe his face but his hands are wet. Kihyun pats Changkyun’s face with his sweater paws.

"I just…. Am I really gay and flamboyant, or am I genderqueer? Non-binary?"

Kihyun shrugs. "Your masculinity or femininity is how _you_ define it.”

Changkyun glances up at him, then down to their laps. "Sometimes I feel masculine and I like that. I'm comfortable with that. But sometimes I feel feminine. And I like that, too. Sometimes I don't feel like either. Like… I dunno, I look at women’s fashion for style inspiration. Is that weird? But it’s just clothes so does it matter?"

"If it matters to you, then, yes. I've always looked at it as you being you and never questioned it." Kihyun's gaze trails along his face. “I’ve never struggled with this, with that part of my queer-ness. But if you want to explore it, I’m here to listen.”

Changkyun’s looking at Kihyun with the biggest eyes he's ever seen.

"You should talk to Wonho-hyung."

He’s transgender. Changkyun actually didn’t know until Pride, when Wonho picked up the trans flag. Kihyun found out when he scrolled super far back on Hyungwon’s Instagram and saw an old photo of him and a girl at a dance, and Wonho was tagged. Kihyun remembers thinking, oh, and then nothing much else after that. Wonho’s, well, Wonho. A pretty buff dude that eats eggs every morning and decided that now that Kihyun has a dog they should go on walks. Kihyun doesn’t mind playing with Flynn in their little backyard, or playing catch across the house. He’s a small dog he doesn’t need a lot of space to get a workout in. And he runs a lot when Kihyun brings him to the dog park. Kihyun has trouble keeping up with Wonho, okay, the man doesn’t walk he power walks.

Anyway.

Changkyun hooks his arms around Kihyun’s neck. He presses his lips into a line, and Kihyun waits for whatever's coming next.

Nothing comes, though.

"I can't read your mind." Kihyun pinches Changkyun’s face with his fingers, puckering his lips and leaving a loud smooch there.

"I don't know… what made me start thinking of this. A part is watching Minhyuk just… do makeup. And be gay. But be so confident in his masculinity and I'm… I dunno. I enjoy it in a different way. And a part of me wants to ask Wonho what he went through but I feel like an asshole."

"You're only just figuring it out, you don't have to label it. You can play around with pronouns and identities until you find something that fits. There's nothing wrong with that." Kihyun settles his head on Changkyun’s chest. Changkyun has already said the problem isn't his dick, but even if it were, it wouldn’t matter.

The next thought that comes to him is; _this is it. Changkyun's the one. I want to marry this dumb bitch one day_. Changkyun’s his future. Changkyun’s the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. It’s very similar to the moment he realized he's in love with Changkyun, it's a lot, a balloon of emotion expanding in his chest and shoving everything else aside. But it's really grounding, too. He's found someone he's found the best version of himself with. He's found someone that he wants to be the best version of themself, too.

"Should… should I stop saying boyfriend and go with partner? Significant other? Uh, fuck, what else is there?"

Changkyun gently touches his face. "Um… I still… I like how _boyfriend_ feels, too. But…"

"I can switch it up." Kihyun offers, trying to think of more gender neutral terms. He'll need to Google those.

"Yeah. Okay." Changkyun sounds far off. "He, they. Either feel good."

Kihyun looks up at them. He takes in the slope of Changkyun’s jaw, the wonder in their eyes.

"Hey,"

Changkyun looks down.

"I love you."

Changkyun purses their lips in a way that brings out their dimples. Kihyun must give kisses.

This is only the start for Changkyun, and sometimes things like this take time, and knowing Changkyun they're going to anxiety over it for a while. But they've got Wonho, they've got their friends, who will wholeheartedly support them. And Changkyun has Kihyun, too. Kihyun isn't leaving them.

"Hey, Changkyun."

Changkyun stirs in his arms. They're awake, brain probably buzzing from everything that just happened. “You say my full name and I panic.”

“Sorry. My parents said a weird thing.”

Changkyun blinks up at him. “Uh-huh?”

Kihyun’s brain sparks, overheating. “They got married after dating for a year and a half.”

Oh, it gets _so_ quiet. Awkwardly quiet. Changkyun’s-having-too-many-thoughts-at-once, quiet. They fidget a little, do a little, _oh_. It makes Kihyun afraid to look at them.

“That’s, uh, good for them. I think my mom and dad, well, like the shithead dad, got married after a year. Bruce is just taking his sweet ol’ time. I dunno if he even wants to propose, honestly. Dunno if my mom wants to re-marry.”

Okay, cool. Great. Kihyun doesn’t really know what to say. He doesn’t know why he thought to say it now, his brain is whirring. This sucks.

But then, very, very quietly, Changkyun asks, “Do you think about getting married? I know it was… I know it’s a part of your, like, life goals.”

It is. Kihyun wants to marry one day. Except he feels bad for putting this on top of Changkyun when they’re still trying to pick up the pieces of these past few weeks, and figure out their gender identity, and Kihyun has to drop the moving in together thing, so Kihyun rolls over, pulls Changkyun into his chest. This is gonna be rough.

“Sorry. It’s not fair to just…”

“I want to get married one day.” Changkyun says, wriggling in Kihyun’s arms, twisting to look up at him. Changkyun looks so cute, headlight staring up at Kihyun. “And… I wasn’t raised super religious,” their face is heating up, it’s getting red, it’s getting so red, it makes Kihyun’s own heart speed up. “But I know you were… I, uh,” Changkyun clears their throat. “I know… well, if you’d like, we could, er — I.” Changkyun slips an arm up between the two of them to palm at their face. “Jesus, am I having a stroke.”

Kihyun slips down to be level with Changkyun, kiss their lips.

It gives Changkyun a small burst of confidence, apparently. “If you wanted to get married at a church… I think… it’d be pretty.”

Kihyun’s heart skips a beat, skips two, maybe a dozen. Maybe he dies a little, just for a moment.

 _Married_.

“In front of a pretty stained glass window? With the dude, y’know?” Changkyun makes a weird gesture to the top of their head. “The hat.”

“Hat…?”

“The,” Changkyun waves their hand again. “The white thing.”

“I think you’re thinking of the Pope.”

Changkyun blinks. “Is that not the guy that stands in front of the church?”

Kihyun smiles at them. “No, that’s the Father.”

“Oh,” Changkyun deflates a little. “You think the Pope would take on a special case and marry us —”

The words click just as they make their way out of Changkyun’s mouth, and their hands fly to their lips, Changkyun’s entire face goes red.

“Catholic churches are expensive.” Kihyun’s heart is wild, riding whatever the fuck is going on in his chest like a wild bull. “And they’re strict, if you can’t confirm baptism, communion or confirmation it’s expected you take some classes, get involved, attend mass, something. Some churches will only accept members of the parish.

Changkyun still sounds shaky. “Parish, communion, uh-huh, dunno what any of this means.”

“Some churches want the maid of honor or best man to be Catholic.”

“Jooheon’s Christian.” Changkyun snaps their fingers excitedly. “That counts, right?”

“Best boy Joo as best man Joo?” Kihyun loves how Changkyun bursts into giggles. In all seriousness though, Kihyun loves Jooheon. He brings the sunshine. All the time.

“Minhyuk and Jooheon. Hyunwoo’s gonna be your best man, right?”

Kihyun nods slowly. “Yeah.” This is a lot this is a lot this is a lot.... He still has to talk about the moving in thing. “What are you doing about your lease in two months?”

Changkyun blinks, surprised by the topic change. “Oh, I forgot that’s ending. It’s been a year? What the fuck.”

Kihyun presses his lips to Changkyun’s forehead. His heart speeds up, he gets a little unfocused. He takes a second to compose himself, knows that Changkyun knows him well enough to read all the signs of apprehension. He’s not surprised when Changkyun pulls back to look up at him.

“You okay?”

“I’ve spoken to the guys — well, my roommates, and they need to talk to you, and Hyunwoo-hyung needs to talk to Minnie-ah and Joo-ah.” Kihyun can hear Hyunwoo in his ear asking if he’s asked yet, and after tonight, he’ll be able to say yes. “We were thinking of all moving in together, a three-bedroom apartment would fit all seven us, maybe we could rent a house a little further outside Boston, if you don’t mind your commute getting a little longer, and —”

“You want to move in together?”

Kihyun finally looks down at Changkyun. Changkyun’s head is peeking out from under the blankets and his arm. They look so cozy. A little too cozy. Kihyun’s sweating.

“Yeah.” He wants to come home to Changkyun every night. He wants to have dinner with them every night, share a dresser, steal their clothes, pack their fucking lunches like a trophy husband.

Changkyun’s entire face twists. “You can’t talk — you can’t ask to live together after we’ve — we’ve talked about marriage!” Here come tears! Kihyun panics! “There’s a lot happening and I’m —” Changkyun’s voice rises many pitches, something shatters in Kihyun’s eardrum, “— _Fragile_!!!”

* * *

Kyunnie 🍑

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Hey

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Hey babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Hey babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Babe

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Boo boo

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Sugar plum  
My dollop of Daisy

Kyunnie 🍑:  
My sunshine

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Baby

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Stop ignoring me >:(

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
I'M AT WORK

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Hi  
I know

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Are you okay??

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Yes I miss you :(

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Just wait until we live together then you'll get sick of me

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Ugh I can't fucking wait  
I can't wait to get annoyed with you  
Only to be stuck in the same room as u  
And then show u how annoyed I am

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
That sounds like a nightmare  
Why are you blowing up my phone

Kyunnie 🍑:  
I want ice cream :(

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
…

Kyunnie 🍑:  
🥺  
My love  
My cherry pie

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
What do you want me to do about this

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Bring me ice cream  
:(

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
I'm at work for another 2 hours

Kyunnie 🍑:  
🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
No  
Stop it  
I have a work dinner tonight

Kyunnie 🍑:  
WORK DINNER?!  
I WANT ATTENTION  
AND ICE CREAM

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Baby

Kyunnie 🍑:  
I HAVEN'T SEEN U SINCE YESTERDAY

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
I’ll go to your apartment after the dinner

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Uhhhhhh no don’t do that

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
What do you want from me

Kyunnie 🍑:  
It’s a mess

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Have you not finished packing…?

Kyunnie 🍑:  
👉👈

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
YOU HAVE TO BE OUT OF THERE IN TWO DAYS

Kyunnie 🍑:  
I KNOW IM STRESSED I WANT ICE CREAM

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
You can’t have ice cream  
Not until you finish packing

Kyunnie 🍑:  
🥲  
This  
No  
Please dont do this to me

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Then pack

Kyunnie 🍑:  
You know i think it’s bullshit that your coworkers see you more than i do  
Have you ever thought about that?  
Whatthe fuck do those fuckers have that i dont

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
CHANGKYUN GO PACK

Kyunnie 🍑:  
AAAAAAAAA

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Come here and pack me up ;)

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
You can’t try to seduce me after i’ve already heard that AAAAAAA in my head

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Ugh

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Stop making this worse for yourself  
Just put your stuff in boxes, i’ll help you sort it at the house  
Dont worry about making sense of it or labeling anything just put shit in boxes

Kyunnie 🍑:  
Wait are you serious

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Yes

Kyunnie 🍑:  
You know you’re going to regret this right

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
Oh, without a doubt

Kyunnie 🍑:  
You know we're gonna argue over this right

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
without a doubt

Kyunnie 🍑:  
I love you so fucking much  
Like???? What would i do without you

Baby Daddy 🍭:  
We don’t have to find out, since we’ll be living together

Changkyun leaves a voice note.

It’s of them screaming excitedly.

**Author's Note:**

> I think people are talking more about mental health lately, especially with the pandemic. I think it’s so important to listen to your body, know when you’ve hit your limit. Rest when you need it. And it’s okay to seek help, it’s okay to reach out sometimes. I'm proud of you 😔💕
> 
> See you next chapter!!


End file.
